Penalties are objectively sexy.
Shootouts, with their drama and brutal simplicity, dig deeper into the human psyche than any psychiatrist or Buzzfeed personality quiz ever could.
The way you take a penalty says a lot about you as a human; specifically, are you a SHAGGER™ or not.
Here’s which Chelsea and Spurs players are SHAGGERS™.
CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN – SHAGGER™
Kepa helped him out by briefly adopting the avant garde feet-in-concrete approach to goalkeeping.
Still, Eriksen’s miminal follow through is the hallmark of a long-time SHAGGER™.
This pen also made the best noise, which counts for a lot more than it should.
WILLIAN – UNDETERMINED
We will have to wait for the Brazilian’s next penalty to determine the true essence of the man.
ERIK LAMELA – UNDETERMINED
Lamela is almost definitely a SHAGGER™ but his penalty, though successful, lacked panache — we can only go off the evidence at hand.
CESAR AZPLICUETA – UNEXPECTED SHAGGER™
Never knew the lad had it in him.
Unlike soggy blanket Olivier Giroud, Azpi was happy to swagger to the spot, which put him on the brink of shagdom even before the penalty was taken.
For a right-footer, top right absolutely stinks of S H A G.
ERIC DIER – NON-SHAGGER
While we appreciate Eric doing this for Spurs instead of England, his pristine comic timing only counts for so much.
If you’re the bloke who makes everyone in the pub say ‘He’s gonna miss this’ then you’re not a SHAGGER™ and you never will be.
At this stage I should make it clear that being a SHAGGER™ has nothing to do with how much sex you have.
Eric Dier has already had more (and possibly better) sex than everyone at Dream Team combined ever will.
But does that make him a SHAGGER™? No, it does not.
JORGINHO – MEGA SHAGGER™
This is a penalty of a man supremely confident with his sexuality.
To treat a penalty – a thing of great seriousness and importance – with such casual disdain is an example of subversion done right.
Hang this GIF up in the Tate, you cowards.
LUCAS MOURA – NON-SHAGGER
Savable height penos are to SHAGGERS™ what vegan sausages are to people from Stoke-on-Trent.
Here’s a general guide to placing penalties, although style takes preference…
DAVID LUIZ – UNEXPECTED NON-SHAGGER
A twist ending of M Night Shyamalan proportions.
Luiz, with his big hair and long run-up, ripping the net off with a turbof**k rocket would have been a fitting end to the shootout.
But no, he bottled it. Even though he scored, he bottled it.
A sensible side-foot finish represents a deflating anti-climax after the approach offered so much.
For those keeping score, that’s two SHAGGERS™ for Chelsea (Jorginho and Azpilicueta) and one SHAGGER™ for Spurs (Eriksen).
Therefore, Chelsea progressing to the final is the optimum outcome.
Thank you for your time.