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The media are biased against your club because we all support your rivals

Hey you, yeah, you... we hate your club

Okay, the jig is up.

We are willing to admit that here, at Dream Team, we are part of a widespread media conspiracy against your club.

I was personally initiated on my 18th birthday in a ceremony chaired by Gary Lineker.

Or ‘The Gatekeeper’ to give him his official title

Getty - Contributor
Or ‘The Gatekeeper’ to give him his official title

Since then, I have joined my global colleagues in being actively biased against the club you support, criticising them unfairly (this is crucial) in an attempt to hinder their chances of winning the title/avoiding relegation/securing promotion/other (delete as appropriate).

Why? Because everyone in the media supports your team’s fierce rivals of course!

It’s mad really, when you think about it, hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world secretly supporting the same team because of the industry they’re in, but it’s true.

Whenever your club lose, we pop bottles of champagne.

When they win, we have a quick meeting to decide on the best excuse that will subtly (but effectively) diminish the achievement.

He knew, he’s always known

Getty Images - Getty
He knew, he’s always known

Lineker swore me to secrecy, but some of you guys are just too smart to deceive.

What some (professional psychologists) would call paranoia, I recognise as shrewd investigative observation and endevaour.

You are able through our ruse of ‘justified criticism’ for what it really is — hateful obsession.

We should have known we weren’t able to keep it under wraps for long.

After all, there has to be some motivation for taking a dig at your perfect, holy, godly team, doesn’t there?

The fact they haven’t won a game in months/are funded by criminals/are exploiting their own fans/other (delete as applicable) is broadly irrelevant.

It’s all about the bigger picture, the deeper meaning.

Some naive fools believe it is possible to have the opinion both of these people are very good at football. HAHAHAHA!

AP:Associated Press
Some naive fools believe it is possible to have the opinion both of these people are very good at football. HAHAHAHA!

You may wonder why only fans of your club are able to wade through our river of lies.

Why can’t other fans see how how much we hate your club — it’s so obvious!

Even more bizarrely, they seem to think we hate their club, the deluded idiots.

If, by chance, we had decided to launch our venomous hate campaign against another club, you would undoubtedly be perceptive enough to notice it in action and speak up.

Sadly, this is not the case, we’re firmly set on bringing your club to its knees, and no other fans are going to join your rebellion.

That’s right, even Stelling’s in on it

Getty Images - Getty
That’s right, even Stelling’s in on it

What to do next?

Firstly, you should absolutely keep commenting on articles based solely on social media headlines — under no circumstances should you click through to read ‘justifications’. Pfffft.

Secondly, follow as many Twitter accounts as possible.

The likes of RagingFirmino, DeftLindelof, and EnergeticDrinkwater, are the truth-bearers in this crazy world.

Thirdly, never stop accusing the media scum of obsession with your club — it’ll break us eventually.

There you have it, the truth is out there.

Oh, I nearly forgot, the referees are in on it as well.

NEXT: It really is a s**t time to be a Real Madrid fan at the moment