Welcome to The Guti Show.
Forget pulling rabbits out of a hat or throwing McDonald’s at a perspex box suspended over the Thames, this show is all about doing the impossible.
No one did the impossible assist quite like Guti. So settle in and try and guess ‘What Happened Next?’. Or, if you’re impatient, you can just watch this highly illegal compilation.
Let’s start with an easy one. Guti finds himself in possession on the edge of Sevilla’s box, with only David Beckham for company.
The obvious pass is to lay the ball to one of the best right feet ever to grace the game and allow Beckham to whip a cross that only a man born in Whipps Cross can whip.
Not Guti. Guti ignores Mr. Whippy and instead plays a no-look pass to Robinho, who finishes with ease.
Apologies for the camera quality on this next one, but football used to be routinely shot on potatoes as they were lightweight and mobile, although liable to grow in the rain.
A poor touch- yes, even Guti was guilty of the odd shinner- saw our man facing his own goal.
Time to go backwards and recycle possession.
O ye, of little faith.
As any self-respecting midfield maverick should do, Guti turns down the easy option and goes from 0 to 1,000 in a matter of milliseconds.
A 25-yard backheel finds Zinedine Zidane, who is only too happy to put the icing on the cake.
A wet, muddy pitch in La Coruna. Not a place to take chances.
Kaka’s perfect pass put Guti through one-on-one with Deportivo La Coruna keeper Daniel Aranzubia.
Guti, as you would expect, takes a clean first touch.
What happens next is, quite possibly, the most unselfish assist in the history of the game.
Guti manages to stop time and sit Aranzubia on his behind, leaving the ball on a platter for Karim Benzema.
Those words don’t do it justice. Hanging a painting of the scene in the Louvre wouldn’t do it justice. It’s pure and utter NSFW midfield play.
Another goal that requires eyes on the back of your boots.
Roberto Carlos finds himself in very familiar territory high up on Madrid’s left flank.
Rather than hit the ball out of the stadium as hard as he can, Carlos simply squares to Guti.
But what’s this?
Guti backheels the ball (are you spotting a trend here?) to an onrushing Raul who takes one touch before slotting a rare right-footed goal.
Never, ever, under any circumstances, allow Guti to turn on the ball.
Exhibit A: Madrid away to Valencia. Again, most midfielders go with the safe option and lay the ball off to Carlos.
Keep an eye on that blue speck on the edge of the box, who just so happens to be Ronaldo.
Guti allows the defenders to over-commit before reversing the ball to Ronaldo.
His composure means that by the time Ronaldo receives the ball he’s got the freedom of the Mestalla.
Not that that stops him from rounding the keeper and dropping a shoulder to sit a defender down before tucking home.
Guti isn’t just a passer.
When needed he can be slippier than an eel in the hands of a pie, mash and eel merchant.
Here he receives the ball in a different postal code to Real Sociedad’s goal.
Nothing two drops of the shoulder and an outside-of-the-foot pass can’t sort out.
He goes past one. He goes past another. He dissects Sociedad’s defence to present Ronaldo with an open goal.
Ronaldo, clearly too engrossed in what Guti’s been getting up to, nearly forgets to finish and even manages to sit on the ball.
So there you have it. That’s your lot. The magic show is over. Any more and football sans-Guti will feel bland and unimaginative.
And to think he only picked up 13 international caps for Spain. It’s a crime against football.
You’re a wizard, Jose Maria Gutierrez Hernandez.