Harvey Elliott made his debut for Fulham on Tuesday night.
The sight of the pretty-much fetus strolling around during a professional League Cup game induced an existential crisis in me.
Where did the years go?
Here’s some things that happened the same year Elliott was born…
1 Beyonce and Jay-Z collaborated on ‘Crazy in Love’
Elliott was making minced meat of nappies when Beyonce seduced her future husband by twerking while wearing a burgundy baseball hat.
He probably refers to this tune as ‘old people music’.
AND NOW HE PLAYS FOR FULHAM!
2 The first Pirates of the Caribbean film was released
YOU: *presses play and settles in for 143 minutes of spacey Depp and Knightley’s cheekbones*
FULHAM’S HARVEY ELLIOTT: “Oi granddad! Turn off this black-and-white, Charlie Chaplin snoozefest!”
3 Roman Abramovich bought Chelsea
Elliott knows nothing of Zola, Hasselbaink or Celestine Babayaro in Chelsea blue.
For as long as he’s comprehended the world around him, Stamford Bridge has been under Russian rule.
4 The Nokia 1100 was the best selling mobile phone in the world
Sure, Elliott knows all the Fortnite dances, but has he ever danced the midnight tango with lady SNAKE on the fastest setting?
5 ENGLAND WON THE (rugby) WORLD CUP!
Remember when rugby came home?
Harvey Elliott doesn’t.
He was too busy trying to sit up on his own as part of his motor skill development.
6 One song played for literally the entire year straight
The benefit of Elliott having little tiny human ears in 2003 was that he was immune to the mass torture inflicted on us by The Black Eyed Peas.
It was a toe tapper at first but after months of unrelenting repetition Will.I.Am and co had killed off any love there was left in the world — irony.
7 Wayne Rooney made his England debut
Harvey Elliott was still just baby gravy stewing in his father’s testicles when baby-faced Wazza first donned the Three Lions.
England hilariously lost the Football Ashes to Australia at Upton Park.
Francis Jeffers scored.
8 Saddam Hussein lost a pretty important game of Hide and Seek
The former President of Iraq was found hiding in a grubby little hole by American troops.
Say what you what about the lad, he had a powerful beard… not that Harvey Elliott was capable of processing such a thing.
9 “Just keep swimming…”
There’s a professional football playing for a Premier League club who was born the same year Finding Nemo was released.
Time is a cruel, cruel mistress.