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These new rules will stop the Premier League being so mind-numbingly boring

No offence to anyone outside of the top six, but it's time to give the Premier League a new lease of life

If you’re a fan of any Premier League team outside of the ‘top six’ then this might piss you off. Apologies in advance.

For all of us not lucky enough to support Burnley, Crystal Palace, Huddersfield etc, this season has been a bit of a slog.

A focus on not losing, as opposed to winning, has given rise to deep blocks, three holding midfielders shielding a back five and one up top.

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‘Great sideways pass’

‘Great sideways pass’

As much as we enjoy the simple pleasures of Claudio Yacob, Gareth Barry and Jake Livermore trying and failure to ensure the cleanliness of Ben Foster’s sheets we think it’s about time for a shake up.


Here’s how. A couple of simple steps to put some excitement back into The Greatest League In The World™️.

We’ve already emailed them on to Richard Scudamore and we look forward to hearing back from you, Dicky.

Rule no.1: relegation play-offs

Have we stolen this rule from Germany? You bet we have.

Our German bruder und schwestern have got it spot on when it comes to end of season antics.

While the bottom three go down as normal, the fourth worst side in the Premier League play the Championship’s third best side in a one-off, winner-takes-all epic.

The Championship play-offs take place between sides from fourth to seventh in the table to fill the remaining top flight spot.

No points for a 0-0 draw

‘Still nil-nil lads’ remains the single most spoken sentence in the English language every weekend.

While 0-0 draws are a rare treat worth celebrating in Sunday League, there’s no place for them in the Premier League.

If no points were awarded to either side for a 0-0 draw you’d get keepers coming up for corners trying to force the issue, centre-backs playing up front and frantic goalmouth scrambles.

Chaos. Lovely, lovely chaos.

‘Still 0-0’

Times Newspapers Ltd
‘Still 0-0’

The ’36-86′ rule

This rule is an alternative to relegation play-offs.

You’re bottom three go down as normal, while you’re three from the Championship also come up as they do at the moment…

EXCEPT in the case of a Premier League side outside of the bottom three getting 36 points or less and a Championship side getting more than 86 points.

If that happens then the two teams swap and the side placed seventh in the Championship go into the play-offs to make up the deficit.

If there’s more than one in either division it’s decided on goals scored, as we’re all about excitement here.

As things stand Southampton would be desperately trying to pick up a point on the final day of the season to avoid swapping with Fulham.

We wouldn’t celebrate too early, lads

PA:Press Association
We wouldn’t celebrate too early, lads

The ‘Redknapp Recovery’ transfer

Made an absolute pig’s ear of both transfer windows? Put all your eggs in a basket that turned out to be injured, out of form and not particularly fussed about life at the bottom of the Premier League?

Nae bother.

The ‘Redknapp Recovery’ allows you one transfer outside of the window. Use it wisely.

If you need to tempt Niko Kranjcar back for one more shot at the big time feel free.

Just don’t come crying to us when it all goes wrong.

‘Nike, just pick up the fucking phone will you. I’ve tried you five times this morning. It’s urgent’

Times Newspapers Ltd
‘Nike, just pick up the fucking phone will you. I’ve tried you five times this morning. It’s urgent’

Academy loan draft

Youngsters bring a breath of fresh flair into a league. Just look at what Jadon Sancho is doing in the Bundesliga at the moment.

But in England it’s near impossible for an academy product to make his way in the league.

Not under our revolutionary new system.

Any youngster who didn’t make five first-team starts the previous campaign automatically becomes available for a season-long loan, as long as the purchasing club pays 100% of their wages.

But there’s a catch.

The player is offered out to the worst team in the league, as is the way with the American NFL draft system, ensuring, in theory, that they get game time.

Genius. What if they don’t want to move to Huddersfield? Tough.

Monday Night Football on steroids

Getty Images - Getty
Monday Night Football on steroids