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In celebration of Europe’s greedy goalscorers who couldn’t care less about assists

Everyone is so in love with assists these days; how about some love for the strikers who just want to gorge themselves on goals?

In the last few years, assists have experienced a surge in popularity.

Appreciation for selfless playmakers and generous creators is at an all-time high.

That’s all well and good, but what about the old-school greedy goalscorers of this world?

Here we appreciate this season’s proudly selfish poachers (in Europe’s top five leagues) who couldn’t give a toss about a poncy assist…

Mauro Icardi – 28 goals, 1 assist

The anti-Roberto Firmino

REUTERS
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The anti-Roberto Firmino

The controversial Inter Milan No9 is a proper fox in the box.

He accidentally managed to provide one assist this campaign but has more than made up for it by feeding off the service of Marcelo Brozovic, Ivan Perisic and Antonio Candreva with carefree abandon.

With two games to play, Icardi has Ciro Immobile in his sights at the top of Serie A’s scoring charts.

Engage ‘Ultra Selfish’ mode…

Mario Balotelli – 16 goals, 0 assists

Never change, Mario

AFP or licensors
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Never change, Mario

Not a single assist to show for his efforts this season — respect.

Did you know that the enigmatic Italian only provided one Premier League assist during his time with Man City?

Although to be fair, it was for Sergio Aguero’s dramatic title-clinching strike against QPR in 2012.

In amongst the usual flurry of controversy, Balotelli has kept ticking over for Nice this season with 16 league goals.

But as always, he really hasn’t shown an interest in helping anyone else score.

Jamie Vardy – 18 goals, 1 assist

Twice as many Goal of the Season candidates as assists. Lovely

Getty - Contributor
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Twice as many Goal of the Season candidates as assists. Lovely

Leicester’s long-standing tactic of knocking it over the top for everyone’s favourite party boy to chase means Vardy rarely has the option of squaring to a team-mate.

The England international leads the line and plays on the shoulder of the deepest defender at all times.

Balotelli will be disappointed with Vardy’s lone assist, but his ratio puts him comfortably among Europe’s old-school elite.

Robert Lewandowski – 29 goals, 1 assist

Sticking to what he’s good at

AFP or licensors
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Sticking to what he’s good at

Bayern’s predatory Polish poacher has an insatiable appetite for goals.

With Thomas Muller, Joshua Kimmich and James Rodriguez constantly seeking Lewandowski with a variety of throughballs, lay-offs and crosses, it’s no wonder he’s on the end of an attack more often than not.

In his younger years with Borussia Dortmund, he tended to involve himself in the team’s build-up more often.

While he still has the technical ability to contribute to Bayern’s general play, he’s pretty much perfected the instinctive finisher style in recent years.

Harry Kane – 28 goals, 2 assists

No Kane claiming stuff jokes please. Thank you

REUTERS
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No Kane claiming stuff jokes please. Thank you

Woah, two assists! Check out Harry De Bruyne over here.

Recent events have led to widespread acknowledgement of Kane’s obsession with his goal tally.

And while many have mocked him for it, we bloody love it.

His pair of assists make him look like David Beckham compared to the rest of the names on this list.

But with a whopping 28 goals to his name, his ratio sees him welcomed into the exclusive club with open arms.

Cristhian Stuani – 19 goals, 0 assists

Master at work

EPA
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Master at work

Take a bow.

Uruguay’s greatest active goalscorer (Suarez and Cavani are a close second and third) has the most goals in Europe’s top five leagues out of all the players to have respectfully turned down the opportunity to assist a team-mate even once this season.

19 goals and zero assists – just breath that in, it’s a wonderful effort.

Well played, Stuani, you unashamed greed machine.


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