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Roll out the red carpet… it’s time for Dream Team’s alternative End of Season Awards!

You won't find Mohamed Salah or Kevin De Bruyne picking up any gongs here...

It’s time for Dream Team’s End of Season Awards!

The PFA Player of the Year and FWA Footballer of the Year may have ended up in Mohamed Salah’s lap but you won’t see the Egyptian King at our imaginary podium.

This hypothetical ceremony acknowledges the players who have dedicated themselves to the quirkier side of the game.

And, in many ways, these are the most prestigious awards of the year (the’re not).

THE JERMAIN DEFOE AWARD FOR SCORING A DECENT NUMBER OF GOALS FOR A BELOW AVERAGE TEAM…

WINNER: Glenn Murray

On the plane, on the plane, on the plane…

Getty Images - Getty
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On the plane, on the plane, on the plane…

Glenn Murray’s haul of 12 league goals puts him level with top-six big boys Son Hueng-min and Eden Hazard.

Jamie Vardy bagged 20 times but unfortunately he doesn’t qualify for the award as Leicester are not a ‘below average’ team.

NOMINEES: Marko Arnautovic, Luka Milivojevic, Charlie Austin


THE PAUL SCHOLES AWARD FOR THE PLAYER WHO HAS BEEN LABELLED ‘UNDERRATED’ SO OFTEN HE IS NOW OFFICIALLY RATED

WINNER: Roberto Firmino

From hipsters choice to mainstream darling

Getty - Contributor
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From hipsters choice to mainstream darling

Literally everyone in the world thinks Bobby is a fantastic footballer but that doesn’t stop people calling him ‘underrated’.

A close-fought contest this with some other worthy nominees.

NOMINEES: Son Hueng-min, Willian, Fernandinho


THE DIEGO COSTA AWARD FOR BEING A COMPLETE BASTARD AND A NIGHTMARE TO DEFEND AGAINST

WINNER: Ashley Barnes

Austria U20s legend

Getty - Contributor
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Austria U20s legend

Only Oriol Romeu was awarded more yellow cards than Burnley’s bruising behemoth this season.

The rumour is he follows centre-backs back to their homes and elbows them as they’re washing up before bed.

To be fair, it works for him — remember when he was briefly top of Chelsea’s wishlist?

NOMINEES: Marko Arnautovic, Aleksandar Mitrovic, Cenk Tosun


THE ADE AKINBIYI AWARD FOR PLAYING A LOT OF GAMES AS A STRIKER AND SCORING F**K ALL GOALS

WINNER: Christian Benteke

Fingers crossed he starts against England at the World Cup

Reuters
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Fingers crossed he starts against England at the World Cup

Wow, now there’s an upset!

Crystal Palace’s impotent forward has somehow beat heavy favourite Shane Long to scoop this prestige award.

It must have been the sympathy penalty that edged it for him.

NOMINEES: Shane Long, Joselu, Troy Deeney


THE FRANK SINCLAIR/RICHARD DUNNE AWARD FOR BANGING IN AN IMPRESSIVE NUMBER OF OWN GOALS

WINNER: Lewis Dunk

Landslide

Mark Robinson - The Sun
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Landslide

Lewis Dunk beat his own keeper four times this season.

Nobody else scored more than one own goal.

Excuse us while we change our Twitter handle to @ClincalDunk

NOMINEES: N/A


THE PIPPO INZAGHI AWARD FOR SPENDING ALL YOUR WAKING HOURS IN AN OFFSIDE POSITION

WINNER: Jamie Vardy

When you haven’t had your fix of port

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When you haven’t had your fix of port

2016’s favourite party boy stimulated the Premier League’s linesmen more than any other player this season.

Marko Arnautotvic and Harry Kane pushed him close, falling one and two offsides short retrospectively.

NOMINEES: Harry Kane, Marko Arnautovic, Glenn Murray


THE WAYNE ROONEY AWARD FOR GOING FROM VERY GOOD TO ACTUALLY QUITE RUBBISH IN THE SPACE OF A SUMMER

WINNER: David Luiz

Wasn’t he in Team of the Season this time last year?

Reuters
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Wasn’t he in Team of the Season this time last year?

Just close your eyes and remember the good times.

NOMINEES: Petr Cech, Alexis Sanchez, Tom Davies


THE MAYNOR FIGUEROA AWARD FOR SCORING THE BEST GOAL OF THE SEASON THAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT FOR SOME REASON

WINNER: Jamie Vardy vs West Brom

A second gong for the genius lyricist behind ‘chat s**t, get banged’ and he also has the distinct honour of being nominated twice for this award — what a man.

*insert a boring comment about how people would we talking about it every week if Messi/Ronaldo scored it*

NOMINEES: Jamie Vardy vs Spurs, Charlie Daniels vs Man City, Sofiane Boufal vs West Brom


AND FINALLY… THE ANGEL DI MARIA AWARD FOR STARTING THE SEASON LIKE A BALLON D’OR NOMINEE BUT THEN QUICKLY FADING INTO A HOPELESS PUNCHLINE

WINNER: Alvaro Morata

“And Morata’s clean through, surely Chelsea will score here… goal kick”

Getty - Contributor
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“And Morata’s clean through, surely Chelsea will score here… goal kick”

Back in October we thought Cesar Azpilicueta’s long balls would produce 30 goals for the slick-haired Spaniard this season.

Morata is one of the best headers of a ball in Europe but his one-on-one finishing is Sunday League-esque and the latter half of his campaign featured a string of glaring misses.

Still, he’s got those first couple of months to look back on.

NOMINEES: Richarlison, Ahmed Hegazi, Steve Mounie

Congratulations to all our winners — fully deserved!


PLAY DREAM TEAM WEEKENDER Pick seven players to win £10k!


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