It’s time for Dream Team’s End of Season Awards!
The PFA Player of the Year and FWA Footballer of the Year may have ended up in Mohamed Salah’s lap but you won’t see the Egyptian King at our imaginary podium.
This hypothetical ceremony acknowledges the players who have dedicated themselves to the quirkier side of the game.
And, in many ways, these are the most prestigious awards of the year (they’re not).
THE JERMAIN DEFOE AWARD FOR SCORING A DECENT NUMBER OF GOALS FOR A BELOW AVERAGE TEAM…
WINNER: Glenn Murray
Glenn Murray’s haul of 12 league goals puts him level with top-six big boys Son Hueng-min and Eden Hazard.
Jamie Vardy bagged 20 times but unfortunately he doesn’t qualify for the award as Leicester are not a ‘below average’ team.
NOMINEES: Marko Arnautovic, Luka Milivojevic, Charlie Austin
THE PAUL SCHOLES AWARD FOR THE PLAYER WHO HAS BEEN LABELLED ‘UNDERRATED’ SO OFTEN HE IS NOW OFFICIALLY RATED
WINNER: Roberto Firmino
Literally everyone in the world thinks Bobby is a fantastic footballer but that doesn’t stop people calling him ‘underrated’.
A close-fought contest this with some other worthy nominees.
NOMINEES: Son Heung-min, Willian, Fernandinho
THE DIEGO COSTA AWARD FOR BEING A COMPLETE BASTARD AND A NIGHTMARE TO DEFEND AGAINST
WINNER: Ashley Barnes
Only Oriol Romeu was awarded more yellow cards than Burnley’s bruising behemoth this season.
The rumour is he follows centre-backs back to their homes and elbows them as they’re washing up before bed.
To be fair, it works for him — remember when he was briefly top of Chelsea’s wishlist?
NOMINEES: Marko Arnautovic, Aleksandar Mitrovic, Cenk Tosun
THE ADE AKINBIYI AWARD FOR PLAYING A LOT OF GAMES AS A STRIKER AND SCORING F**K ALL GOALS
WINNER: Christian Benteke
Wow, now there’s an upset!
Crystal Palace’s impotent forward has somehow beat heavy favourite Shane Long to scoop this prestige award.
It must have been the sympathy penalty that edged it for him.
NOMINEES: Shane Long, Joselu, Troy Deeney
THE FRANK SINCLAIR/RICHARD DUNNE AWARD FOR BANGING IN AN IMPRESSIVE NUMBER OF OWN GOALS
WINNER: Lewis Dunk
Lewis Dunk beat his own keeper four times this season.
Nobody else scored more than one own goal.
Excuse us while we change our Twitter handle to @ClincalDunk
THE PIPPO INZAGHI AWARD FOR SPENDING ALL YOUR WAKING HOURS IN AN OFFSIDE POSITION
WINNER: Jamie Vardy
2016’s favourite party boy stimulated the Premier League’s linesmen more than any other player this season.
Marko Arnautotvic and Harry Kane pushed him close, falling one and two offsides short retrospectively.
NOMINEES: Harry Kane, Marko Arnautovic, Glenn Murray
THE WAYNE ROONEY AWARD FOR GOING FROM VERY GOOD TO ACTUALLY QUITE RUBBISH IN THE SPACE OF A SUMMER
WINNER: David Luiz
Just close your eyes and remember the good times.
NOMINEES: Petr Cech, Alexis Sanchez, Tom Davies
THE MAYNOR FIGUEROA AWARD FOR SCORING THE BEST GOAL OF THE SEASON THAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT FOR SOME REASON
WINNER: Jamie Vardy vs West Brom
A second gong for the genius lyricist behind ‘chat s**t, get banged’ and he also has the distinct honour of being nominated twice for this award — what a man.
*insert a boring comment about how people would we talking about it every week if Messi/Ronaldo scored it*
NOMINEES: Jamie Vardy vs Spurs, Charlie Daniels vs Man City, Sofiane Boufal vs West Brom
AND FINALLY… THE ANGEL DI MARIA AWARD FOR STARTING THE SEASON LIKE A BALLON D’OR NOMINEE BUT THEN QUICKLY FADING INTO A HOPELESS PUNCHLINE
WINNER: Alvaro Morata
Back in October we thought Cesar Azpilicueta’s long balls would produce 30 goals for the slick-haired Spaniard this season.
Morata is one of the best headers of a ball in Europe but his one-on-one finishing is Sunday League-esque and the latter half of his campaign featured a string of glaring misses.
Still, he’s got those first couple of months to look back on.
NOMINEES: Richarlison, Ahmed Hegazi, Steve Mounie
Congratulations to all our winners — fully deserved!