Sure, they can kick a leather sack of air around a field better than 99.9% of humankind.
But are they good value on a night out?
Let’s rank ’em, worst to best…
20 Kevin De Bruyne
Nice enough fella but we’re never getting into the club.
The moment Kev whips out his I.D that says he’s 26-years-old, the bouncer will laugh us out of town.
Silence in the taxi home.
19 Aaron Mooy
Swearing, so much swearing.
I’m no choir boy but once Aaron’s chugged a few tinnies he turns into Ozzy Osbourne and Gordon Ramsay’s love child.
He makes a club photo of us his profile picture on Facebook with the caption ‘quiet one again last nite 😂🍺’
18 Abdoulaye Doucoure
17 Marko Arnautovic
This one was shaping up to be a cracking night out.
Prank calls to Mark Hughes, a drunken tattoo, really having it large for a while.
Then someone bumps into Arnie and showers his v-neck with voddy coke.
Next thing you know, fists are flying and even the bouncers give us a dig in the ribs.
Blood dripping from my nose into the styrofoam kebab box as we wait for a night bus.
Black eye in the morning, late for work.
16 Xherdan Shaqiri
“Guess how much I can squat.”
“I said guess.”
15 Harry Kane
Decent pres until Hazza tries to make a drinking game out of his Premier League goal record.
He names a number between 1-100 and I have guess the opponent he scored against — tedious.
Can’t understand a word he’s saying once we’re at the club.
Falls flat but he thinks it’s been a blinder, bless him.
14 Josh King
Enjoyable this one.
Good craic without anything remarkable.
Ditches me to chase girls so a few minus points as I’m left to make my own way home.
13 Oriol Romeu
Peaks early this night.
He’s got plenty of stories about Barcelona; La Masia, Messi and all that.
Turns into a right bore after his fifth Estrella though.
12 David De Gea
Dave puts out a lot of fires on a night out.
Defusing potential fights, books the taxis, sweet talks the bouncer and the coat check girl.
Great man to have on a group night out but doesn’t quite offer enough for a two-man attack.
11 Mesut Ozil
A practicing Muslim, Mesut is not ON THE BEERS™ himself but he’s more than happy to get them in for the lads.
Great wing man.
10 Jonny Evans
Surprisingly good this one.
You go in with low expectations but there’s more to Jonny than meets the eye and his accent is so bloody endearing.
Free taxi ride home, obviously…
9 James Tarkowski
You can rely on a northerner for right good night.
Only thing is, he’s over 6ft, a decent looking bloke, and his t-shirt clings to his biceps.
Once the girls start circling, you start to feel a bit inferior.
He takes two home and I end up drunk dialling my ex outside Maccies — fun though.
Samba style — say no more.
7 Wilfried Zaha
It’s a south London ting.
Wilf takes us to several house parties and I have to try my hardest to act vaguely cool.
We end up spending over an hour in Morley’s and, weirdly, that’s the best bit of the night.
6 Mike van der Hoorn
The Dutch love it, don’t they?
Seven hours of techno in a club so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face.
Mikey has his own gravity in the smoking area, telling stories to a small crowd who hang on his every word.
5 Pascal Gross
Big, huge, f**k off beers.
Germans laugh at our pathetic pints.
Pascal knows a beer hall where the Oompah band do a genuinely spine-tingling rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’
Stomach is in bits the morning after.
4 Jamie Vardy
Luminous drinks by the dozen — so sugary you get that fuzz on your teeth.
In terms of pure units, this one is perhaps the biggest.
Lowest common denominator club though — Fresh Prince theme tune, Mr Brightside, Ignition (Remix).
Vards is great value, if a fraction exhausting.
Worst hangover of the lot — not even a Dominos can budge it.
3 Eden Hazard
During his Lille days, Eden scored a hat-trick while still drunk from the night before.
His love of the sesh is established.
A cheeky chappy with good energy.
Swordfights at the urinals and talking the taxi driver’s ear off.
2 Mohamed Salah
Proof you don’t need alcohol to have a good time.
It’s a wholly different night out to the others at the top of this list but no less enjoyable.
Mo is so personable, so affable, but in no way boring.
100% sober, he stays out late and even persuades me to pop into an afters full of interesting people.
You wake up the next day with no regrets, you even think about going for a run.
1 Wayne Rooney
It’s the ultimate guilty pleasure.
For a start, the man is a bloody legend of the game with stories that would make newspaper editors weak at the knees.
At some point we’re topless, belting out ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ in a karaoke bar, feeling like kings of the world.
Double our money at a casino.
A bit of friendly boxing back at his gaff (which is unbelievable btw) and he drunkenly agrees to give you the boots he wore for the 2008 Champions League final.
Looking back at our Instagram stories in the morning is cringeworthy but it was mega at the time.
For pure fun, you can’t beat a night out with Wazza.