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Ranking every Premier League club’s best player on how good they’d be on a night out

Decent players one and all but what kind of night are we having once I've splashed on the CK One?

Sure, they can kick a leather sack of air around a field better than 99.9% of humankind.

But are they good value on a night out?

Let’s rank ’em, worst to best…

20 Kevin De Bruyne

Baby face

REUTERS
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Baby face

Nice enough fella but we’re never getting into the club.

The moment Kev whips out his I.D that says he’s 26-years-old, the bouncer will laugh us out of town.

Silence in the taxi home.

19 Aaron Mooy

Jokes about us losing the Ashes? Nah, you’re alright

CRAIG_BROUGH
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Jokes about us losing the Ashes? Nah, you’re alright

Swearing, so much swearing.

I’m no choir boy but once Aaron’s chugged a few tinnies he turns into Ozzy Osbourne and Gordon Ramsay’s love child.

He makes a club photo of us his profile picture on Facebook with the caption ‘quiet one again last nite 😂🍺’

18 Abdoulaye Doucoure

We’re just different people

HANNAH MCKAY
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We’re just different people

Early night.

17 Marko Arnautovic

Certainly not boring

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Certainly not boring

This one was shaping up to be a cracking night out.

Prank calls to Mark Hughes, a drunken tattoo, really having it large for a while.

Then someone bumps into Arnie and showers his v-neck with voddy coke.

Next thing you know, fists are flying and even the bouncers give us a dig in the ribs.

Blood dripping from my nose into the styrofoam kebab box as we wait for a night bus.

Black eye in the morning, late for work.

16 Xherdan Shaqiri

Probably not in the best of moods these days, tbf

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Probably not in the best of moods these days, tbf

“Guess how much I can squat.”

“How much?”

“I said guess.”

15 Harry Kane

A bit dry

EPA
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A bit dry

Decent pres until Hazza tries to make a drinking game out of his Premier League goal record.

He names a number between 1-100 and I have guess the opponent he scored against — tedious.

Can’t understand a word he’s saying once we’re at the club.

Falls flat but he thinks it’s been a blinder, bless him.

14 Josh King

They start to get worthwhile from here on out

PA:Press Association
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They start to get worthwhile from here on out

Enjoyable this one.

Good craic without anything remarkable.

Ditches me to chase girls so a few minus points as I’m left to make my own way home.

13 Oriol Romeu

Grab him straight after work

AFP or licensors
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Grab him straight after work

Peaks early this night.

He’s got plenty of stories about Barcelona; La Masia, Messi and all that.

Turns into a right bore after his fifth Estrella though.

12 David De Gea

A drop of tapas to line the stomach

Getty - Contributor
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A drop of tapas to line the stomach

Dave puts out a lot of fires on a night out.

Defusing potential fights, books the taxis, sweet talks the bouncer and the coat check girl.

Great man to have on a group night out but doesn’t quite offer enough for a two-man attack.

11 Mesut Ozil

Generous

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Generous

A practicing Muslim, Mesut is not ON THE BEERS™ himself but he’s more than happy to get them in for the lads.

Great wing man.

10 Jonny Evans

Fair play

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Fair play

Surprisingly good this one.

You go in with low expectations but there’s more to Jonny than meets the eye and his accent is so bloody endearing.

Free taxi ride home, obviously…

9 James Tarkowski

No football chat

PA:Empics Sport
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No football chat

You can rely on a northerner for right good night.

Only thing is, he’s over 6ft, a decent looking bloke, and his t-shirt clings to his biceps.

Once the girls start circling, you start to feel a bit inferior.

He takes two home and I end up drunk dialling my ex outside Maccies — fun though.

8 Kenedy

Not technically a Newcastle player but Jonjo didn’t reply to my text

Getty - Contributor
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Not technically a Newcastle player but Jonjo didn’t reply to my text

Samba style — say no more.

7 Wilfried Zaha

Some elite night outs from this point onward

Getty - Contributor
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Some elite night outs from this point onward

It’s a south London ting.

Wilf takes us to several house parties and I have to try my hardest to act vaguely cool.

We end up spending over an hour in Morley’s and, weirdly, that’s the best bit of the night.

6 Mike van der Hoorn

Sound bloke

AFP or licensors
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Sound bloke

The Dutch love it, don’t they?

Seven hours of techno in a club so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

Mikey has his own gravity in the smoking area, telling stories to a small crowd who hang on his every word.

Late finish.

Bring gum.

5 Pascal Gross

Bloated

Getty Images - Getty
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Bloated

Big, huge, f**k off beers.

Germans laugh at our pathetic pints.

Pascal knows a beer hall where the Oompah band do a genuinely spine-tingling rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’

Stomach is in bits the morning after.

4 Jamie Vardy

I think we were in a bookies at one point

Getty Images - Getty
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I think we were in a bookies at one point

Luminous drinks by the dozen — so sugary you get that fuzz on your teeth.

In terms of pure units, this one is perhaps the biggest.

Lowest common denominator club though — Fresh Prince theme tune, Mr Brightside, Ignition (Remix).

Vards is great value, if a fraction exhausting.

Worst hangover of the lot — not even a Dominos can budge it.

3 Eden Hazard

Chips and mayo at 3am

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Chips and mayo at 3am

During his Lille days, Eden scored a hat-trick while still drunk from the night before.

His love of the sesh is established.

A cheeky chappy with good energy.

Swordfights at the urinals and talking the taxi driver’s ear off.

2 Mohamed Salah

What’s the dress code for this dinner party again?

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What’s the dress code for this dinner party again?

Proof you don’t need alcohol to have a good time.

It’s a wholly different night out to the others at the top of this list but no less enjoyable.

Mo is so personable, so affable, but in no way boring.

100% sober, he stays out late and even persuades me to pop into an afters full of interesting people.

You wake up the next day with no regrets, you even think about going for a run.

1 Wayne Rooney

Let him take you under his wing

PA:Press Association
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Let him take you under his wing

It’s the ultimate guilty pleasure.

For a start, the man is a bloody legend of the game with stories that would make newspaper editors weak at the knees.

At some point we’re topless, belting out ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ in a karaoke bar, feeling like kings of the world.

Double our money at a casino.

A bit of friendly boxing back at his gaff (which is unbelievable btw) and he drunkenly agrees to give you the boots he wore for the 2008 Champions League final.

Looking back at our Instagram stories in the morning is cringeworthy but it was mega at the time.

For pure fun, you can’t beat a night out with Wazza.


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