1 First of all, has he even scored a hat-trick at any point?
2 All that money and not a penny to charity… disgusting
3 The next generation will have forgotten all about him
4 He always goes missing in big games
5 He’s absolutely useless in the air – head like a 50p coin
6 My nan could score the goals he has – they’re all tap-ins
7 And those free-kicks… terrible
8 He’s really let himself go as well
9 He’s never done it on the international stage
10 Hence why he’s never helped his country achieve anything
11 Have you ever seen him take time out of his day to meet the fans? Thought not!
12 Not very marketable, is he?
13 It’s easy in Spain and Italy – let’s see him do it in the Premier League
14 Or the Champions League…
15 And when you really think about it, has he actually scored that many goals?
That’s that settled…