The study of squad numbers if a pure and noble pursuit.
Correctly commissioned numbers are one of football’s most wholesome satisfactions.
But some people just want to watch the world burn.
If you can get through this 1-11 without drenching yourself in hot vomit of your own making then we’ll send you a tenner…
Go f**k yourself, Jonathan De Guzman.
If you’re going to take No1 you better slip into a pair of gloves because numero uno should always be reversed for goalkeepers.
Not even Edgar Davids pulled this off when he was player/manager at Barnet.
Have some respect for yourself, Sandro Wagner, you’re a Bayern Munich centre-forward, for crying out loud.
The German spouted some bulls**t about taking the No2 because it was his second spell at the club at his unveiling (similar to Wilfried Bony at Swansea) but there’s no excuse for it.
Out-and-out centre-forward Asamoah Gyan has worn No3 for seven different clubs and for the entire duration of his international career with Ghana.
Nicklas Bendtner, a scourge to squad number purists everywhere, wore No3 at Wolfsburg — although to be fair, his finishing is similar to that of most left-backs.
You’re probably feeling pretty queasy right about now…
If you thought Nwankwo Kanu’s real age was a mystery wait until you see what number he wore for Nigeria.
Centre-backs and centre-midfielders are free to play in No4 without judgement but gigantic target men with surprisingly good touches for their height? Get outta here!
Weirdly, Hal Robson-Kanu is currently West Brom’s No4.
Despite what his goal record suggests, the Welshman is actually a forward, which begs the question — what is it with the name Kanu and No4?
Zinedine Zidane wearing No5 for Real Madrid never quite sat right with us but Zizou can pretty much do whatever he wants.
Milan Baros on the other hand, should feel ashamed of his Liverpool squad number.
If it’s your job to score the goals, stay away from No6, it’s as simple as that.
Darren Huckerby is a likeable bloke but for donning a defender’s number at Norwich and San Jose Earthquakes (ew!) we have distanced him from our warm bosom.
Republic of Ireland’s kitman clearly hated Shane Duffy in late 2016.
The Brighton centre-back wore No7 for a World Cup qualifier against Georgia in what can only be described as a unmitigated catastrophe.
If you haven’t got the pre-chunder spits yet then you’re made of sterner stuff than us.
Glen Johnson wearing No8 is the primary reason you should want Stoke to get relegated.
The Potters’ right-back was team-mates with Steven Gerrard as well, he should know more than most the type of player suited to No8.
No right-back in the history of the game could pull off No9, especially not Khalid Boulahrouz and his half-price haircut.
Ronaldo, Alan Shearer, Gabriel Batistuta, Gerd Muller… why do Chelsea have such little respect for the ultimate goalscorer’s number?
The Blues stuck it on Steve Sidwell after Boulahrouz as well — no wonder it was cursed by the time Fernando Torres got hold of it.
No10 is the best number in football history. Fact.
Pele, Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi, Ronaldinho, Michel Platini… the number has its own mystique, its own gravity.
And William poncing Gallas tried to obliterate it all during his spell with Arsenal.
Sinisa Mihajlovic is a terrible bloke but he was a great player.
The Serbian played most of his games as either centre-back or left-back, positions unworthy of No11.
Sure, he scored a few free-kicks in his time, but that doesn’t grant him free use of a number almost exclusively reserved for left-wingers.
And there it is! Stomach soup all over your favourite fleece.
Get it all out, you’ll feel better for it.