When Real Madrid come calling there’s only one outcome.
Madrid get their man and before you know it he’s going viral for some awkward kick-ups at the Bernabeu in front of a couple of thousand people.
Just ask Theo Hernandez.
With Madrid struggling in La Liga you can be sure that Florentino Perez is ready to loosen the purse strings.
But who are Madrid going to sign? It’s a complex process, but we think we’ve worked it all out.
So, without further Freddy Adu…
Luka Milivojevic (Crystal Palace)
Now bear with us here, because if you think about it a move for Palace’s Serbian midfielder Milivojevic makes perfect sense.
Every couple of years Madrid go off track and sign a decent player from a lower-tier Premier League club for no apparent reason.
It happened with West Ham’s Julien Faubert. It happened with Everton’s Thomas Gravesen. And it will happen with Milivojevic.
Ryan Sessegnon (Fulham)
Again, before you shoot us down for suggesting that Madrid would sign a left-back from the Championship, allow us to bring up years gone by.
Madrid love signing promising full-backs who are really just frustrated wingers.
Marcelo joined after 30 games for Fluminense. Roberto Carlos was unloved at Inter Milan. It’s only naturaly, then, that Madrid will head to Craven Cottage for their next full-back.
Andreas Christensen (Chelsea)
Madrid are going to have to start thinking about life after Sergio Ramos in the near future.
So why not partner Raphael Varane with Christensen? Just picturing the pair playing together makes us feel relaxed.
Gone are the Ramos sliding tackles in the opponent’s half. In comes bundles of composure and the odd break in play so Christensen can put his slippers back on.
Kevin De Bruyne (Man City)
Why would De Bruyne join Madrid?
He’s the best right foot in Manchester since David Beckham.
So by our calculations he’s got another six seasons to go at City before making the switch to the Bernabeu and taking up the no.23 shirt.
Harry Kane (Spurs)
It’ll be announced with an awkward ‘hola, me namo is Harry Kane’ in front of a beaming Florentino Perez.
With Cristiano Ronaldo’s flame fading and Karim Benzema’s form more volatile than cryptocurrency Madrid are in need of a new hero.
Step forward Harry Edward Kane, who’ll follow Mauricio Pochettino to Madrid for a world record fee at some point in the not too distant future.
Operation Get Neymar to Madrid is already well underway judging by how hard the Brazilian is trying to piss off fans, team-mates and the opposition in Paris.
The final nail in the coffin will come when he ‘accidentally’ follows the entire Madrid squad on Instagram and starts celebrating goals with matador celebrations.
We’re sure Barcelona fans will be delighted to see him back in La Liga.
David De Gea (Man United)
He’s already a Madrid player in all but name.
De Gea can only watch Phil Jones and Chris Smalling floundering in front of him for so long before paying his own transfer fee.
He’ll probably walk all the way from Manchester to Madrid to make sure the move isn’t scuppered by a fax machine this time around.
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