With Neymar’s remarkable £196million transfer to Paris Saint-Germain completed, we’ve looked at the things he can almost certainly expect from Ligue 1.
1 He will have the most ridiculous unveiling in football history
The mega-rich Paris club will look at the Arc de Triomphe, cost up how much they can rebrand it as the ‘NeymArc de Triomphe’, and get to work on making five exact replicas to spell out his name across Paris.
2 He’ll basically just become a marketing tool for whoever pays enough money
The Mona Lisa in the Louvre? Forget about that old lady mate!
Everyone wants to see the Mona Neymar now, and he’ll have the crowds flocking to see the more contemporary version of Leonardo da Vinci’s classic.
3 He will get snapped in his first game
PSG have Amiens in their opening Ligue 1 fixture, and you can fully expect to see centre-back Prince Desir Gouano give him a warm welcome to Ligue 1 football.
Never heard of Prince Desir Gouano? You will when he goes right through the back of Neymar in the first five minutes.
4 He’ll score a double hat-trick on a warm Sunday night away at Guingamp
If he thought some games were easy in La Liga, just wait until Neymar comes up against the might of, er, Guingamp.
Six goals in one game will set him on his way in the season.
5 He’ll go for a radical new look
After discovering people aren’t really watching Ligue 1 football, Neymar will remind people he still exists by changing up his look.
“Neymar goes full Marouane Fellaini” is a headline we will 100% be writing come October, you mark our words.
6 He’ll be spotted in London in January
… leading to the rumour mill going into full overdrive.
Reports will come out that Neymar is ‘bored’ of Paris, hasn’t jelled with his team-mates, and wants to be closer to his family.
In reality, it will be because he’s discovered the Eurostar is surprisingly affordable if he books in advance.
7 He’ll come up against Barcelona in the Champions League quarter-finals
Because of course he will. And PSG will lose, heavily.
8 He’ll suffer a serious injury that could hamper his chances of being fit for the 2018 World Cup
It will be the old curse of the broken metatarsal all over again – Neymar will now be facing a ‘race to the World Cup’.
There will be a dedicated Brazilian channel that will follow him around 24/7 to see how fit he is, a priest will say public prayers for his foot, and it will turn out it was actually just a marketing stunt the whole time.
9 Brazil versus Argentina, World Cup final
Lionel Messi versus Neymar. Master versus apprentice. Loyal servant versus turncoat.
It’s giving us shivers just thinking about it.
10 He’ll move to Manchester United in two years…
… honestly, trust us on this one.
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