1 The Warm Up Wanker
As you peel last week’s tape off the unwashed socks, there he is… the Warm Up Wanker leading the other side thorough their *dynamic* stretches. AKA The cone c***. Not one to be messed with.
2 Eddie Howe
He’s young. He’s done his badges. And he’s going places. In years to come, Hackney Martians will be a small dot on his CV which will take in Bethnal Green Ladies, Leyton Orient U10s, a lowly ranked Pacific Island and eventually some small professional teams in Scotland.
3 The ~Player~ Boss
His legs went a long time ago but there he is, starting every week. Without him, though, there would be no Sunday League, so probably best not mention it.
4 The Administrator
Fell out of love with playing years ago but now has the bug for football administration. Lives for the monthly league meeting and panics if the team spreadsheet is any more than few hours out of date.
5 The Dad
One week he’s tearing his son to strips, the next he insists his boy takes all the penalties. One day they will have an angry ruck on the pitch but until then their odd family dynamic plays out in your Sunday League side.
6 Dave The Default
He’s been with the team for longer than anyone and inherited it when the last gaffer quit. Doesn’t really want to do it but, just like prison, the longer you’re there the higher up the food chain you go. Knows the team will collapse without him so still runs the side, even if his missus hates him for it.
He bought some *really* yellow cheap polo shirts for the lads a few years ago with the logo of his electricians on it. He doesn’t play, hasn’t run for years but loves a pint afterwards so keeps the team going. Always, unquestionably, called Terry.
8 Shouty Steve
Nobody know exactly what he’s shouting but boy can he shout. You know to steer clear if you want to avoid being covered in his spit.
9 Tim Sherwood
The ultimate Sunday League boss.