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The 9 types of 5-a-side player everyone has played against

1 Old but gold

This player was the best footballer on the park back in the day.

But Father Time has severely weakened his football powers and he now can’t play without three knee braces. Can still do a job on Tuesday night at the Romford Power Leagues though.



2 The QPR academy kid

Details are murky, but at one stage this kid played for QPR. He still might be playing for them – no one really knows.

In reality he’s just the only person keen enough to wear a full tracksuit to every game.



3 The sideman

They’re the friend of a friend who no one else really knows or likes, plus he’s really s*** at football.

But because your mate runs the team and pays when everyone else forgets to The Sideman can’t be shook.

4 Good touch for a big lad

When we say big we don’t mean tall. Oh no, this guy looks like he shouldn’t physically be playing football.

But he confounds the laws of physics with his deft touch and drop of a shoulder that belie his 20-stone frame.

5 The Enforcer

Their prime role on the 5-a-side pitch is to destroy absolutely anything that moves on the opposition’s side.

No 5-a-side pitch is big enough to escape from The Enforcer. Go shoulder to shoulder with them at your peril. They’ll be picking your body of the side of the cage for weeks.



6 Mr Stamina

They may not be particularly good, but Mr Stamina will run around the pitch for the entire 38 minutes, while everyone else is completely knackered.

Wind them up and watch them go. Unlike Nick Powell…

7 The Ringer

Struggling to find a final player? Big Dave pulled out again at the last minute?

No worries, because The Ringer is always lurking around the pitch, ready to pounce on any drop outs.

8 The Deadly Serious

This guy ensures that no one can really have fun when playing 5-a-side. Whether it’s moaning at the opposition, the referee or his own team-mates they kill everyone’s vibe.

Take a day off mate.



9 The Poacher

The one person who can tell you how many goals they’ve scored across their entire 5-a-side career.

They don’t do much (anything) in general play, but through doggedly determined goal hanging they come out of each game as the top scorer.