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Cristiano Ronaldo reveals he’s trying to uncover long-lost Kosovan relatives

Cristiano Ronaldo has revealed he’s desperately trying to uncover some long-lost Kosovan grandparents.

So he can switch allegiance in time for the 2018 World Cup.

Ronaldo has heard family rumours that there may be a long-lost great uncle Milos, twice removed, on his mother Dolores’ side, who would make him eligible to play for the newly-formed national team.

The Real Madrid megastar was apparently moved to investigate his family tree after the sudden realisation that Portugal are an absolutely terrible football team.


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He was visibly cheesed off by their anaemic 1-1 draw with Iceland in their opening game of Euro 2016.

According to reports he immediately renounced his Portuguese citizenship in the dressing room at full-time, before fixing his gaze on Pepe and tutting repeatedly for an hour and 45 minutes.

He eventually had to be reminded by the Portugal staff to have a shower, get changed and leave the stadium.

Ronaldo told reporters after the game: “That’s it. I’m done with Portugal. In the past we’ve had illustrious names like Luis Figo and Rui Costa who were just about up to the level of Cristiano.

“But what do you expect me to do with this shower of s***.  Nani has the footballing brain of a whelk and Ricardo Quaresma is a total imbecile.

As for the rest of the squad, I’ve literally never heard of most of them. I’m not even sure they’re footballers. I can’t – how do you say – make a silk purse out of a sow’s arsehole.”

It was at this point that assorted journalists talked Ronaldo down from the ledge of his hotel room window, and he informed them of his intention to explore playing for another country.

He said: “I’ve signed up to myheritage.com and I am determined to find Great Uncle Shkodran and declare my allegiance to the nation of Kosovo.

I know Adnan Januzaj and Xherdan Shaqiri are up for it too and while they are also a bit s*** they can’t be any worse than Danilo.

He couldn’t trap a bag of wet cement with a JCB.”

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