1 England haven’t got a decent goalscorer
2 The fans don’t believe in the manager — not one bit
3 In fact, football isn’t really that big in England anyway
4 There’s no team spirit
5 Everyone knows England are s**t at penalties
6 Set-pieces? Forget about it…
7 The squad is ancient — forget your walking frame, granddad?!
8 The fans out in Russia are keeping their heads down
9 Thibaut Courtois was right, Jordan Pickford is just too short to be a keeper
10 What’s the point? The Germans will knock them out at some point
11 And most importantly, England isn’t even football’s home…