Sulzeer Jeremiah ‘Sol’ Campbell is life.
Amongst the 240-character dissertations and fake scouts that fill your Twitter timeline with drivel during a World Cup one man’s words cut through.
If you’ve been going anywhere but @SolManOfficial for your World Cup news then you’ve been doing it all wrong.
So sit back, pour yourself something nice and let Sol bring you up to speed.
The opening game is a pivotal moment in every World Cup.
But Sol didn’t get carried away by Robbie Williams’ middle finger in the pre-match build up. He’s strictly football.
Instead he drew for the lesser-seen double exclamation mark (get used to it). Because sometimes one just doesn’t get the excitement across!
Next came Portugal’s 3-3 draw with Spain.
You’re going to see a regular theme pop up throughout this deep dive into Sol’s mind.
Weirdly cropped, partly loaded, match action photos. Who needs Getty when you’ve got Sol?
More of the same for France v Australia and Argentina v Iceland.
We’re also introduced to Sol’s first emoji of the tournament thanks to the referee’s laissez-faire attitude towards VAR.
A trusty ‘thinking face’, aka the hand on chin. A staple of many a WhatsApp conversation. No complaints there.
We know what you’re thinking. He’s holding back.
Well not for Germany v Mexico, the first major shock of the tournament.
Sol hits us with four tweets, each one slightly more inciteful than the previous, before ending with a trademark grainy cropped photo.
Brazil v Switzerland hand the air of a man who’d watched too much football.
Limited words, no exclamation marks and a pinched photo. A clear case of WorldCupitis.
Luckily England were on hand to revive Sol’s passion the following day.
We’ve got double exclamations marks. We’ve got a team-sheet with questionable orientation- a real classic when it comes to football tweets.
We’ve got a screenshotted photo of Harry Kane with battery and URL on full display (turn your bluetooth off, Sol).
We’ve got a live video. We’ve got inexplicable double-spacing in the last tweet. Sol, you’ve spoiled us.
Next up it’s Spain 1-0 Iran.
Who’s the player in the bottom right? Or the bottom left for that matter? It doesn’t matter.
Football is all about the fine margins, as Sol perfectly captures by cropping out the Iranians.
Fair play to Sol for calling out this bit of nonsense from Alan Sugar.
There are some players who, because of their father’s footballing career, go by their first name.
Kasper Schmeichel is one of these players. You never hear someone call him Schmeichel. It’s always Kasper Schmeichel.
Not for Sol, though. He goes with Jasper. Bonus points for some more double-spacing as well as the random capital letters and lack of punctuation.
Take a deep breath, there’s more to come.
Which takes us nicely onto Peru v France.
If you don’t read this in Sol’s voice then shame on you.
We can even hear his bellowing chuckle while he’s typing. Kylian Mbappe you cheeky scamp.
Double exclamation mark? Tick. Double-spacing? Tick tick. Wide grin while typing? Tick tick tick.
Argentina v Croatia delivered on multiple fronts.
Don’t think he forgot about Nigeria v Iceland, or Portsmouth Premier League Years as it turned out to be.
Any idea who the fourth man is?
The best football tweets leave you wanting more.
They leave you unsure about the score, opposition and players being discussed. Half the fun is the detective work required after.
And how about this for a twist.
One minute the Germans are out, the next they’re in. Sol’s got his audience in the palm of his massive hand.
Woah, what do we have here?
England’s second group game was so emphatic it required the use of three exclamation marks.
Take! That! Panama!
Answers on a postcard for this next tweet.
Genuinely, if you can decipher it then please send an explanation to Floor 13, Dream Team Towers, SE1 9HL.
We’ll pay you back for the stamps.
We’ve been looking at Sol’s feed for too long. We’re starting to lose our heads.
So is Sol, by the looks of it. Denmark v France was far from the first draw of the tournament and Denmark v England, well…
Shall we all take five minutes?
Let’s rattle through the Nigeria v Argentina game.
Aside from a random bit of double-spacing and a grainy photo- two Sol staples- there ins’t really much to see here.
Germany’s exit at the hands of South Korea was spectacular. First comes the questioning. Then the slightly wrong iconic quote.
Then he dips back in with a rhetorical question. A lovely bit of social media fishing.
Throw in a sponsored Playboy tweet and a bit of German accompanied by a terribly cropped trifecta of photos and you’ve got a perfect response.
The tweets keep coming.
Playboy are becoming a regular theme, as are the questions.
By this stage we don’t know what day of the week it is. We’ve forgotten our own names. All we know is Sol.
More games. More Playboy.
Did Lionel Messi inspire Argentina to a 3-2 win against France with a fortuitous cross. He must have done.
Does anyone have any water?
Who is that? It’s so grainy. Or is it our eyes? We’ve been on Sol’s Twitter feed for more than a day now. It must be our eyes.
Russia v Spain. Loads of exclamation marks. Nuts. Eleven. Passion. Guns. Sleep?
We love you Sol. We love your Twitter feed. Please never change.