It’s no coincidence new kit season and festival season share a perfect Venn diagram.
Fresh releases from Nike, Adidas, Puma and the lads (not you, Under Armour) are meant to be worn while drinking overpriced cider as a sweaty DJ competes for room in your eardrums with the incessant release of NOS canisters.
Let’s run through some of the new kits and whether or not they are festival ready…
Everyone in Italy is apparently livid because they’ve binned off the stripes after a hundred years or whatever, BUT what they don’t realise is that the new kit does have black and white stripes just really, really zoomed in.
The extended pink snail trail is gorgeous and the Old Lady’s traditional monochrome means you won’t venture into the twattish terrority of football hipsterism — OH LOOK AT ME, PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT MY COOL FOOTBALL TOP AND TELL ME I’M COOL.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 8
Yep, that’s the Germany pattern.
The best thing about this one is that, on the way to the festival, some middle-aged racist will shout ‘NICE TOP, DOES YOUR HUSBAND KNOW YOU’RE OUT?’ and nobody will laugh.
Pink and black is a lethal combination; always has been, always will be.
Unfortunately, rules dictate that no Englishman can wear this unless they’re a Leicester fan.
No can’t wear a shirt of a club who plays in the same country as the one(s) you support — that’s non-negotiable.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 10 if you’re a Leicester fan, 0 if not
Thing about Inter is, anything other than blue and black stripes would rip open the fabric of time and space.
So Nike have to do sneaky workarounds and this strip of diagonal lines is wonderfully sneaky.
Your vision is wavy enough at the best of times when engulfed by the festival (blurry phone squints) and so this mild optical illusion could cause confusion.
Blokes will send subtle nods of approval your way if you wear this. And…
MAN IN THE QUEUE FOR THE TOXIC TOILETS: Inter Milan, yeah?
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 7.5
Imagine dropping a puppy in a blender then smearing the aftermath over your bed sheets.
That depraved act would give you more joy than wearing Southampton’s new home shirt.
And the resulting mess of blood and fur would be infinitely more aesthetic as well.
If you go to a festival in this you will have the worst day of your life: someone will sh*t on you, you will sh*t on someone, you’ll lose your phone/wallet/key/self-respect, your favourite act will cancel last minute, your tent will be blown into the neighbouring county, security will mistake you for a peado on the loose, you will be ejected.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? Z E R O. Even for Saints fans, zero
The world is divided into two groups: people who suit green clothes vs people who look unsettled in green clothes.
Take Daley Blind for example, vaguely unsettled.
However, if you are blessed with green cohesion then the rewards are plentiful.
This is one for the two-steppers congregated front left — sunglasses, some hats, knows 90% of the tracks like a human Shazam.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 2 for non-greeners, 6 for greeners
Dripping in sauce for the first few hours but you will get non-football heads coming up to you with their big eyes around 7pm calling you Dennis the Menace and thinking it’s HILARIOUS.
Dennis’ stripes were horizontal you uncultured swines!
Milan are objectively a sexy club and so, genital reliability aside, you will shag.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 7.5
BARMAN, GESTURING AT THE BADGE: What team is that then?
YOU: Flamengo, they’re Brazilian
BARMAN: Oh right… the team I support play like a bunch of flamingos
YOU: Can I just pay for my beer please, mate?
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 5
The lightning sleeve and collar trim is despicably powerful.
If you start chanting ‘ONE MORE TUNE!’ then the sheep will follow.
You will be the star of strangers’ Instagram stories and people you will never meet will reply to it with fire emojis and the face with love hearts for eyes.
F**k you for looking so good in this at the festival.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 9
ARSENAL HOME & AWAY
These kits are so satisfying some people in your immediate vicinity will book a holiday to Rwanda.
The home shirt has a more controlled aura; you won’t lose your mind in this but you’ll regrettably have a little something left in the tank by the time to retire home.
Yellow boy, on the other hand, toes the line and is likely to wake up in a soulless spare room devoid of phone signal — no regrets though, crucially.
How much of a goer is it out of ten? 10 for both (Arsenal fans only as per The Rules™)