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RELEGATION LEAGUE

5 new European club competition formats we can really get behind

Andrea Agnelli, who as head of the European Club Association, chairman of Juventus and member of UEFA’s Execuitve Comittee happens to be a pretty big deal, spoke this week.

What came out of his mouth wasn’t how to tackle the racism that still blights European football. Or a solution to VAR’s issues. Nope. He spoke about what we all, at our deep core, want in football.

A third European competition. Hip hip f****** hooray. As if watching AEK Larnaca take on Ludogorets, or F91 Dudelange battling Olympiacos wasn’t enough, Agnelli wants more.

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Dudelange’s might Stade Jos Nosbaum

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Dudelange’s might Stade Jos Nosbaum

He’s greedy for European football.

If European football was an ant, Agnelli would have his snout down every ant colony in South America.

So we thought we’d help out by suggesting a couple of formats that’ll have football fans frothing at the mouth.

Agnelli in action

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Agnelli in action

The Sacrificial Lamb

For this you need the league winners from UEFA’s top 11 divisions, ranging from Spain to the Netherlands.

Then you throw in one Sunday League side, selected at random, to join these elite professional football clubs.

The aim of the game? Whoever scores the most goals against said Sunday League side takes home the trophy, and a £1million bonus, per player, just to make sure they’re all invested.

Imagine Neymar twisting the blood of Silent Dan who was in PRYZM knocking back cheap jagerbombs seven hours before kick off.

That’s the type of carnage we’d pay to watch.

What are you doing mate?! You’re marking Neymar in seven hours

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What are you doing mate?! You’re marking Neymar in seven hours

Relegations League

You’ve just suffered the heartbreak of relegation. This calls for an open-top bus parade.

Thanks to your team’s ineptitude you can now look forward to away days to Eastern Europe, Amsterdam and, err… Dundee.

The Relegations League is exactly the same format as the Champions League, only you need to suffer relegation to qualify.

It’ll be sponsored by Ronseal. Does exactly what is says on the tin.

Tears of joy and jubilation

REUTERS
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Tears of joy and jubilation

Ear today, gone (deaf) tomorrow

Remember when Timo Werner’s sensitive ears were shouted into submission by Besiktas fans?

The RB Leipzig striker was forced off the pitch due to the noise. Brilliant stuff.

This round-robin format is all about the fans. The first side to have a player forced off the pitch due to the noise levels wins.

Anything goes. Vuvuzelas, trumpets, blue whales, whatever you can get into the stadium.

Imagine how loud the final would be.

A picture speaks one thousand decibels

Getty - Contributor
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A picture speaks one thousand decibels

Jeans & Sheux

If Peroni made Champions Leagues.

Every club that finishes one place outside of the European spots in their respective leagues is entered into Jeans & Sheux.

This requires every player to take to the pitch in magnificent Jeans & Sheux, with all kit provided by TK Maxx.

The pitch would be furiously watered prior to kick-off, just for added entertainment.

UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup

If only there was a competition in which all the recent winners of the European domestic cups could meet, thrashing it out to decide Europe’s best side for good.

What a tournament it would be.

Oh well, we’ll just never know.

Ronaldo holding aloft the Cup Winners’ Cup

EPA
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Ronaldo holding aloft the Cup Winners’ Cup

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