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West Ham announce new Not-Being-S**t Coach after winless start to season

"We got the idea after Liverpool hired that throw-in coach..."


West Ham have today announced the appointment of a full-time ‘Not-Being-S**t’ coach.

The news comes the week after Liverpool employed a specialist throw-in coach.

Just as Jurgen Klopp identified an area in which his side improved (throw-ins), the Hammers have followed suit by recognising their primary weakness – they’re s**t.

A shrewd appointment

Getty Images - Getty
A shrewd appointment

Unofficial club spokesman, Lee Satchell said: “Some people laughed at Liverpool for giving that geezer a job but we thought it was triffic.

“They had a weakness and so they got someone in to solve it – fair enough, right?

“So we thought, what is our main weakness? And after a few hours deliberating we realised that the main issue is that we’re s**t.

“In every other aspect of the game, we’re pretty decent. So, if a specialist coach could just stop us being s**t, we’ll be fine.

“It’s a little thing, but it could make all the difference.”

The London Stadium full of all the people who think West Ham will finish in the top half

Getty - Contributor
The London Stadium full of all the people who think West Ham will finish in the top half

Andy Robertson has revealed that his throw-ins have already improved under the tutelage of Liverpool’s newest employee.

While a West Ham insider, also named Lee Satchell, reckons West Ham have actually ‘got even more s**t’ after the first session with their new coach.

“The coach just kept yelling ‘don’t be s**t, don’t be s**t,” he said.

“But the lads haven’t quite get to grips with the concept just yet.

“It’s early days though, these things take time.”

In other fake news, Spurs are currently interviewing candidates hopeful of becoming the club’s new ‘Stadium Coach’.