Neil Burgess, I thank you.
The office came to a grinding halt for 45 minutes this morning when somebody discovered this tweet of the Man City squad as women…
It is now my civil duty to rank these *lovely ladies* on their first date potential.
Please bear in mind that I am a massively flawed individual and your ranking will invariably differ.
Each to their own.
25 Oleksandr Zinchenko
This girl is quite clearly underage.
No date will take place, you sickos.
24 Fabian Delph
Look, I’m sure she’s a lovely a girl.
But the physical attraction has to be there.
Plenty of women are capable of owning the bald look — Sinead O’Connor, Amber Rose, Charlize Theron, Grace Jones.
Ms Delph however, is no Grace Jones.
23 Kevin De Bruyne
I’m all for feminism, but there are other topics for us to discuss.
The moment I offer to pay for Ms De Bruyne’s half of our two-for-one at Pizza Express (not including dough balls) she’ll launch into a rant about about how my Monzo card is a symbol of modern oppression.
She has an anti-Trump tattoo on her foot and a Georgia O’Keeffe painting for wallpaper on her Android.
When she walks into her local Pret, the manager hides out back.
22 Phil Foden
A shame to see a beautiful young woman hide behind such extensive make-up.
A natural introvert, chat is hard work.
Early finish, back to Bumble on the train home.
21 Riyad Mahrez
Better men than me would be able to see past the Ms Mahrez’s job.
No doubt an intriguing, complex, engaging woman lurks beneath the surface of this sex worker.
However, I am not the one to unearth her.
20 Kyle Walker
Same as Mahrez, see above.
(Two in two nights, what are the chances?)
19 Bernardo Silva
What a stunner. 10/10. Unreal.
Thing is, she’s so flawlessly attractive, life has been a breeze for her.
As a result, she is a shade too superficial for my taste.
Also, her almost aggressive beauty gives me a raging inferiority complex.
18 John Stones
She writes poetry, of course she does.
Dress sense of a 50-year divorcee with an insatiable appetite for cat videos and vouchers.
Still thinks LOL means ‘lots of love’.
17 Nicolas Otamendi
We’re just different people.
16 Eliaquim Mangala
Ms Mangala has a fierce natural confidence which has to be admired.
After the initial back-and-forth (where’d do you live? what do you do? you look nice, btw) it would become starkly apparent that she is too much woman for me.
Not in body, but in spirit.
15 Claudio Bravo
An enviable combination of South American passion and almost intimidating intelligence.
She’s got the eyes of a killer though.
They betray her.
14 Aymeric Laporte
I’m instantly won over by her not-classically-good-looking-but-definitely-attractive aura.
Mysterious, it has to be said, mysterious and magnetic.
Like Clockwork Orange I find her difficult to read at first but am soon sucked in.
Her exes are still madly in love with her.
Emotional baggage reclaim.
13 Vincent Kompany
Cute as a button.
The most annoying giggle you’ve ever heard in your life.
Lives her life through Instagram… quite fun though.
12 Leroy Sane
Chews me up and spits me out.
I feel used.
A simple Incredibles 2, Five Guys, tonguey-kiss-in-the-back-of-the-Uber job will not suffice.
Here is a woman who craves more from life.
She runs wild and free like the wolf.
However, she’s not a keeper.
Oh, the bitter irony.
10 Benjamin Mendy
Ms Mendy will make you thankful you didn’t sack the date off from the get-go.
High energy levels and genuinely receptive to even my most tedious chat.
It’s a mutual friendzoning, unquestionably, but a lack of sexual chemistry doesn’t detract from a cracking date.
9 Brahim Diaz
Penetrate the tough outer shell and ye shall be rewarded.
A master of subtlety and tension.
Always leaves them wanting more.
8 Raheem Sterling
I’ve inadvertently catfished her.
It’s obvious to everyone at the restaurant that she’s too good for me; different leagues, completely different leagues.
Still, Ms Sterling allows me to bask in her grace for the evening.
7 David Silva
Handles her drink with unerring expertise.
6 Gabriel Jesus
Well up for activities is Ms Jesus.
Table tennis, shuffleboard, bowling, the arcade… you name it.
Great laugh, costs an absolute Quinton (Fortune) but it’s worth it.
5 Philippe Sandler
Why does she look like every Hollywood actress I can name in one?
A great listener and a fine judge of when to laugh.
FOURTH WALL BREAK: Who is Philippe Sandler anyway? Says here he signed for City from Zwolle this year. Must have passed me by that one. He any good?
American sitcom writers would describe her as ‘a real firecracker’.
She crafts a comfortable atmosphere — after two glasses of wine you’ll be telling her intimate stories of your childhood, and feeling better for it.
Looks like a good tennis player, don’t you think?
3 Ilkay Gundogan
Seduced by the devil.
Her real type is bad boys and, as I’m the human equivalent of a damp flannel, it’s clear I don’t fit the bill.
But she gets a kick out of breaking hearts.
In my hypnotised state I fool myself into thinking I have a chance of pinning her down, taming the beast.
Would happily be hurt again.
So bloody cute. Too cute in a way.
She flourishes in a variety of social situations and exudes pure happiness.
Ms Fernandinho has gravity without a hint of arrogance.
Anyone would be lucky to have her.
1 Sergio Aguero
Marriage material, pure and simple.
The girl of your dreams, my dreams, all our dreams.
An angel descended to Earth.
The date goes too quick, although even a month would be too brief.
Ms Aguero, this world is yours.
Right, back to reality I suppose.
Quick shower I think…
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