Who could have possibly predicted that Jose Mourinho would allow the wheels to fall off in his third season at a club?
Man United succumbed to a disappointing 3-2 defeat away to Brighton on Sunday with Chris Hughton’s troops outperforming their opponents in nearly every facet of the game.
The self-proclaimed ‘Special One’ has one of the most expensive squads ever assembled at his disposal.
And yet, after two games, fans are yet to see an improvement on last season’s uninspired approach.
Mourinho is one of the greatest ever defensive managers but he has appeared short of ideas in recent times when it comes to generating incisive football.
For a bit of fun, we imagined what the Premier League’s other top clubs would look like under the Portuguese gaffer…
ARSENAL
It’s almost impossible to imagine a player Mourinho would detest more than Hector Bellerin.
A public falling out with Mesut Ozil is an inevitability in this scenario as well — think the Paul Pogba situation but twice as bad.
Danny Welbeck’s work rate down the left makes him the first name on the team sheet, no goals though.
MAN CITY
Why win 6-1 when you can win 1-0?
Fabian Delph would probably take the captain’s armband and you can bet your life Mourinho would stop Ederson doing all that ball-playing, assist-providing nonsense.
Mourinho showed little patience with Kevin De Bruyne at Chelsea but we reckon he would just about be persuaded to select him as a hard-working left winger these days.
CHELSEA
Most expensive keeper of all time? Take a seat on the bench, mate.
You can set your watch by Rob Green, England’s No1 (eight years ago).
Marcos Alonso scores his fair share of goals but is he pragmatic enough? Not for our dear Jose.
Victor Moses as a right-sided forward? Sure, why not?
LIVERPOOL
Not even Mourinho would spilt up Liverpool’s electric front three.
Although you can rely on at least five Adam Lallana-for-Sadio Mane half-time substitutions throughout the course of the season.
Mourinho probably thinks James Milner is the best player in the league.
Trent Alexander-Arnold’s flourishing talent would undoubtedly be extinguished in double quick time as well.
SPURS
That back four is the stuff of Mourinho’s dreams — narrow, compact, tall.
Erik Lamela’s sh*thousery would surely allow him to finally pin down a regular starting spot.
Moussa Sissoko could fulfil the Marouane Fellaini role in Mourinho’s masterplan while Christian Eriksen would be shunted out wide to accommodate the Frenchman.
Ten minutes in the League Cup. That’s all Harry Winks would get all season.
Rot in the reserves you young English talent!
Now breathe a sigh of relief and take a moment to be thankful for the fact Mourinho is not your team’s manager.
Unless you support United of course, in which case, maybe give football a miss for a bit?