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Jack Wilshere and Mark Noble’s back-to-back testicle smashing was the highlight of the weekend

Never. Not. Funny

Time to reflect on the first weekend of the new Premier League season.

Plenty of highlights to choose from: Ruben Neves’ free-kick, Man City’s intimidating reminder, Maurizio Sarri sucking on cigarette butts…

However, the undisputed standout moment of Matchday 1 was the quickfire pulverisation of Jack Wilshere and Mark Noble’s private parts.

Don’t rub it, don’t rub it

AFP or licensors
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Don’t rub it, don’t rub it

Midway through the second half at Anfield, Liverpool rubbed salt in West Ham’s wounds as James Milner’s free-kick impacted Wilshere’s sensitive area.

The rebound fell to Mohamed Salah, who proceeded to lash his effort into Noble’s meat and two veg.

Good to see the Hammers’ hard Brexit midfield putting their bodies on the line, even at 3-0 down.

But another man being hit in the balls will never not be hilarious to the rest of the male population.

And a two-for-the-price-of-one scenario is something to be savoured…

Referee Anthony Taylor took pity on the felled duo, stopping the game so Wilshere and Noble could receive medical attention.

We all know there’s nothing that can be done.

You just have to wait for the nauseous feeling to subside and your testicles to work their way out on your stomach.


WATCH: Wayne Rooney pulled off one of the greatest assists ever for DC United last night


Fair play to the others for keeping a straight face

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Fair play to the others for keeping a straight face

It was painful afternoon for everyone associated with West Ham as Manuel Pellegrini’s side were taught a lesson by a rampant Liverpool outfit.

The hosts swaggered to a 4-0 win to send a message to Man City and the rest of the league that they are serious title contenders.

Salah picked up where he left off last season to open the scoring in the 19th minute before Sadio Mane struck either side of half time.

Daniel Sturridge did his minutes-per-goal ratio no harm by scoring with his first touch to complete the rout in the 88th minute.

Super sub

EPA
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Super sub

While it was hardly the start West Ham would have hoped for, there’s something to be said for getting a trip to Anfield out of the way early.

The Irons play Bournemouth at home next weekend — best to reserve the first judgement of Pellegrini’s new-look side until then.


SOMETHING ELSE PERHAPS?