Do you know what I love?
Getting fired up on beer. And when the weekend’s here I exercise my right to get paralytic and fight.
But when I’m not stealing The Streets lyrics I love watching players brutally destroying leagues they’re far too good for.
There’s something reassuring about a forward moving to a league below his station just for a bit of stat padding.
Exhibit A: Anderson Talisca.
Talisca made his senior debut for Bahia while still a teenager. He was called up to Brazil’s squad at the age of 20. While at Benfica he netted in the Champions League knockout rounds.
In two seasons with Besiktas the attacking midfielder scored 37 goals. Now he’s joined Chinese Super League side Guangzhou Evergrande and, surprise surprise, he’s finding it pretty easy.
Talisca is two games into his Chinese Super League career and he’s already scored five goals.
He kicked off with a hat-trick against Dan Petrescu’s Guizhou Zhicheng side before netting twice against Chongqing Dangdai Lifan.
The 24-year-old isn’t scoring normal goals either. There’s been a lob. There’s been a header. There’s been a rapid-fire one-two smashed into the top corner from outside the box. There’s been a free-kick.
More than half of his goals are Match of the Day Goal of the Month contenders.
But for the ultimate Little League Bully you need to head to Accra, for it was the Ghanaian capital city that birthed Asamoah Gyan.
Between 2011 and 2015 Gyan ploughed 95 goals in 83 games for Abu Dhabi-based Al Ain.
‘Baby Jet’ won three consecutive golden boot awards, three UAE Pro League titles and top scored in the AFC Champions League before moving to China where he made £227,000-a-week playing for Shanghai SIPG.
Gabriel Batistuta is the only player in footballing history to score two hat-tricks in different World Cups.
He’s one of the few players to sign for both River Plate and Boca Juniors. He led the line for Roma in the season in which Francesco Totti won his only Scudetto.
But my favourite era of Batistuta is the last, when he ruthlessly hammered home 25 goals in 21 games for Al-Arabi alongside Stefan Effenberg, breaking a Qatari record in the process.
It’s not a new phenomenon.
Zico headed over to Japan to play for Sumitomo in 1991 and scored 21 times in 22 games from midfield to power them into the newly formed J-League.
If you’ve got some time to spare it’s worth watching all his goals in Japan because some of them would make Matt Le Tissier blush.
Who knows, we might one day look back on Lionel Messi scoring 50 La Liga goals in one season for Barcelona or Cristiano Ronaldo netting 46 times in the league for Real Madrid with the same nostalgia.
By then Salford City FC will have won the Champions League a record 30 times and Wolves will be the best side in Portugal.
Don’t worry, Jonathan Walters will still be scoring five Premier League goals a season.