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Ranking the Premier League Golden Boot favourites on their Big Dick Energy™

Somebody had to do it.

BDE: What is big dick energy and who really has it?

That was the headline of the BBC’s nauseating explainer earlier this summer.

It featured words like ‘confidence’, ‘charisma’ and ‘swagger’, but the truth is BDE cannot be defined, it can only be felt.


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Excess BDE

Getty - Contributor
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Excess BDE

People with high BDE include:

  • Rihanna
  • Idris Elba
  • Leonardo DiCaprio
  • The defence lawyers from ‘Making a Murderer’

People with non-existent BDE include:

  • Piers Morgan
  • R Kelly
  • Taylor Swift
  • Everyone in Nickelback

Negative BDE. Less than zero. Considerably less than zero

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Negative BDE. Less than zero. Considerably less than zero

I will now rank the Premier League Golden Boot favourites from lowest BDE to highest — thanks in advance for your co-operation.

8th Harry Kane

BDE cannot be worked on at the training ground

News Group Newspapers Ltd
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BDE cannot be worked on at the training ground

BDE will forever elude Leyton Orient’s most famous loanee.

Kane has done well to hide his natural awkwardness in recent years but it’s still there somewhere, stuffed inside a box in the attic.

There was hope that the World Cup Golden Boot may be a scared object with BDE-giving properties, but alas, Harold remains impotent in that department.

He’s bloody good at the football though… so there’s that.

7th Romelu Lukaku

Looks can be deceiving

PA:Press Association
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Looks can be deceiving

The less perceptive of you have most likely been fooled by the hulking Belgian’s natural coolness.

There is subtle, yet distinct, difference between coolness and BDE.

Upon further investigation, Lukaku is a notable BDE fraud.

The expression of absolute devastation on his face when he misses a good chance reveals the true BDE-less man behind the facade.

You can’t grow your BDE in the gym, Rom, no matter how hard you try.

6th Gabriel Jesus

His BDE may come with age

PA:Press Association
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His BDE may come with age

The Brazilian man-child’s innocence limits his BDE at this juncture.

He is, objectively speaking, huggable.

You don’t hug a human brimming with BDE, you drop them a sharp nod, or, if the occasion calls, you salute them as you would a military veteran.

5th Mohamed Salah

Yes. Just yes.

Getty - Contributor
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Yes. Just yes.

The Egyptian winger is in possession of above average BDE.

Many people foolishly attempt to increase their reserves through charismatic cockiness, not Salah.

The record-breaking goalscorer abides by the first commandment of BDE — actions speak louder than words.

4th Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang

Can feel you it?

Getty - Contributor
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Can feel you it?

Undoubtedly one of Gabon’s top ten players of the last 25 years, Aubameyang exudes enough BDE for it to be felt by the average human on the street.

However, in his pursuit of maximum capacity, he has actually depleted his natural reserves.

The flash cars, the inexplicable clobber, the mask fetish… it all reeks of a man trying a little bit too hard.

Oh Icarus, why must you fly so close to the sun?

3rd Sergio Aguero

It takes a certain type of person to pull off short sleeves and gloves

AP:Associated Press
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It takes a certain type of person to pull off short sleeves and gloves

Effortlessness is vital.

Aguero’s blend of composure and South American intensity is a tried and tested formula for yielding pure, uncut BDE.

2nd Roberto Firmino

Hear me out…

PA:Press Association
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Hear me out…

No doubt a controversial selection.

Firmino’s unique presence can easily be mistaken for forced dickheadery.

But dig deeper and you’ll find vast pools of BDE.

He is so at one with his character: the luminescent teeth, the prototype fashion sense, the confident lesbian vibe.

Those who are not familiar with the subtleties of BDE fear it when it washes over them.

Embrace it. Let Bobby in.

1st Alexandre Lacazette

It gives me. I think they call it ‘endorphins’

Getty - Contributor
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It gives me. I think they call it ‘endorphins’

The Frenchman radiates such intense BDE that those who live within the same postcode are at risk of overexposure.

If the wind is right, Lacazette’s BDE can be felt thousands of miles away, in other continents even.

His head hair/facial hair ratio is typical of an elite BDE emitter.

His stern, drink-me-in goal celebrations have been known to cause malfunctions in official BDE measuring devices.

His first name has an ‘x’ in it and his last name has a ‘z’ in it — need I say more?

If the Golden Boot was awarded to the player with the most BDE then Lacazette would be posing with it on his Instagram story already.

However, as far as I’m aware, it will continue to go to the player who scores the most goals in the league.

Thank you for your time.


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