Basketball is a vastly inferior sport to football because teams are expected to score with each attack.
This means they miss out on the adrenaline-inducing explosion of emotion that accompanies a goal in our glorious game.
However, the bouncy boys are on to something with the whole three-pointers thing.
Imagine if goals scored from outside the box counted for more than goals inside the box.
Bang in a 25-yard free-kick? Have 1.5 goals, mate, on your way.
The majority of football fans have been successfully triggered by VAR every single game this season.
The best way to lower your da’s heart rate is to implement technology in a similar manner to tennis and cricket — a review system.
Each team gets two reviews per game and if their appeal is successful then they retain their review.
The captain/manager decides when to send the decision upstairs (or wherever the tech goblins actually reside) but any player can advise — particularly helpful if a defender knows a forward has dived to win a penalty.
3 Ice Hockey
Wrestling on ice is a fantastic concept so fair f**ks to the lads, lads, lads who held a straight face long enough to legitimise it as a sport.
Fisticuffs are as much a part of the sport as dentist bills and serial killer accents.
Referees allow players to sort out their differences by going blow for blow and warring combatants are only separated when someone hits the deck.
Yes, we know, footballers are role models (blah, blah, blah) but it would be incredibly entertaining.
Potentially the GOAT sport although we would need to do more research than watching the Ben Stiller film before confirming.
In dodgeball, you can eliminate an opponent by catching their throw.
This act simultaneously allows an eliminated team-mate to return to the action.
If football were to apply a similar rule, teams would have to choose a player to sacrifice after conceding a goal while the scoring team would bring back any previously sacrificed players.
This rule has the potential for farcical mayhem but on a more serious note, it would probably encourage teams to push for the first goal, perhaps shoving bus-parking tactics towards extinction.
Jose Mourinho already bans his players from passing forward, AM I RIGHT?
Our egg-chasing, John Smith’s-guzzling, flared jean-wearing cousins know their way around a clock.
Rugby time stops whenever the ball goes dead, meaning they don’t bother with the tedium of injury-time.
Would fans get more bang for their buck if football introduced a stopwatch?
Let’s talk handicaps.
Golf shows mercy on the amateurs of the game by cushioning the realisation that they’re s**t with the use of a handicap system.
This carefully constructed lie allows abysmal players to feel good about themselves, which is nice if you’re into that sort of thing.
How about a handicap system (of sorts) for domestic cup competitions?
If a Premier League side draws a Championship side in the League Cup then the game starts with the score 1-0 to the second tier team.
Basically, one league difference equals one goal head start.
This would encourage Premier League sides to field strong teams if they genuinely wanted to lift the trophy.
Even as we were writing that the negatives appeared more and more obvious but it can’t hurt to give it a go, can it? Oh, it could…
7 American Football
Right, give us a moment.
How about, err, wait.
Nope, there’s literally nothing to be gained from adopting anything from this travesty of a sport.
Burn it with fire and let’s be done with it.