It’s a debate as old as time (actually about 2009).
Who is better, Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo?
Every football fan has been caught up in this debate at least once in their life and it’s about time we ranked the opinions from best to absolute worst.
BEST – The Angel
An angel believes both players jointly hold the accolade of GOAT.
No matter how hard they try, they can’t separate them, and they don’t really want to either.
They’re just thankful their time on this planet has coincided with Messi and Ronaldo’s careers and they long for the day the pair play together in a charity match.
Angels post messages of congratulations to both players every time they break a record, score a hat-trick, win a Ballon d’Or, etc…
Unfortunately, there aren’t enough angels in this world, most of us have been corrupted in some way…
NEXT BEST – The Leaner
We’d like to think that the majority of football fans are leaners.
A leaner has a slight preference for one but still recognises the greatness of the other.
To him, one of Messi or Ronaldo has the edge but that doesn’t stop him admiring the other’s attributes and acknowledging their standing in football history.
Leaners hope for their favourite to win the Ballon d’Or but they don’t kick up a fuss if it goes the other way — maybe a comment here or there but nothing heartfelt.
While still appreciative of the pair’s rivalry, they don’t feel as humbled by it as angels.
Occasionally, a leaner will like a meme that discredits the player they consider to be slightly inferior; but only if it’s genuinely funny.
SECOND WORST – The Campaigner
Campaigners have a strong preference for one of the two and they actively seek to convert those who don’t agree with them.
They know, deep down, that the other is an extraordinarily talented player, but they would never admit it publicly.
When a campaigner sees a post on social media in praise of the player they believe to be considerably worse, they will often comment on it explaining why their favourite is better.
They engage in debates with non-believers and often allow their emotions to get the better of them, abandoning logic and reason for short spells.
Campaigners aren’t the worst people in the ‘Messi v Ronaldo’ spectrum (we’ll get on to those in a second) but they have strength in numbers and have contributed to the toxic nature of what should be an appreciative discussion.
Easily mistaken for a troll, a campaigner genuinely believes this is a topic worth getting angry about and dedicating a significant amount of their time to, unaware of the futility of it all.
There’s hope for campaigners though, it just doesn’t take much effort for them to become a leaner, a far more agreeable specimen.
ABSOLUTE WORST – The Cult Member
Cult members are a danger to themselves and others.
If you see one, do not approach them, run and hide before contacting the emergency services.
These people have been brainwashed and worship their preferred player as some kind of deity.
However, many become totally blind to the talents of the other, who they will rarely refer to by name, like Voldermort.
Some actually convince themselves that their hero’s nemesis isn’t very good at football at all.
As a result, cult members actively seek out any football-related post and pollute the comments section with nonsensical propaganda.
They use comments like ‘Penaldo’ and ‘Pessi’, they bring up aspects from the pair’s personal lives, they think Ronaldo has only ever scored tap-ins and that Messi would struggle in the Premier League.
Cult members seemingly spend 60% of their waking hours insulting those who prefer the other player.
They feverishly ejaculate their warped opinions with CAPS LOCK FIRMLY ON!
They share multiple memes a day in an attempt to scar the other player’s reputation while simultaneously presenting their saviour as some kind of Norse god.
Cult members have rendered friendly online debates impossible — they seek out reasonable discussion and obliterate it with weapons of mass destruction.
Others should sympathise with cult members, their existence is a tragic one.
But it’s hard to feel sorry for them, because they’re such massive dicks.