Remembering England’s 2022 World Cup victory

The year is 2022. England, captained by Phil Foden, have just won the World Cup, ending 56 years of hurt

You wake up on 19 December 2022 with a thumping headache, surrounded by discarded pots of vindaloo.

It’s snowing outside. In fact it hasn’t stopped snowing since Donald Trump ordered two billion tonnes of fake snow to be dropped from space.

Then it hits you. You wonder if you were just dreaming. You turn on the tele-hologram in your front room to check it actually happened. Yep, England really did win the World Cup yesterday.

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The likely lads

Of course this might all come as a bit of a shock.

So let’s jog your memory.

This is how England won the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and ended 56 years of hurt.

Handout - Getty
The world’s first floating stadium

Squad announcement

As expected, there were plenty of talking points when England’s co-managers Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard announced their squad for the World Cup.

Wayne Rooney’s continued revival at Salford City meant that he captained a youthful squad containing Premier League Golden Boot winner Rhian Brewster and Man City skipper Phil Foden.

Timmy Abraham beat his brother Tammy to the last striker spot, while Ryan and Steven Sessegnon were attempting to become the first brothers since Phil and Gary Neville to play for England at a World Cup.

But the stars of the show were undoubtedly Real Madrid’s Marcus Rashford and recent Ballon d’Or winner Harry Winks.

The heroes in waiting

Of course, with every World Cup squad, injuries strike when you’re least expecting it.

Spurs false six Eric Dier’s hamstring injury in the FA Cup final against Forest Green meant Ronaldo Vieira was called up to the senior squad, having impressed during Leeds’ Champions League campaign.

Aside from that, England arrived in Qatar unscathed.

There’s always one

Group stages

Our group of France, Vanuatu and no.1 ranked Iceland drew mass outcries of panic when announced, but Gylfi Sigurdssonson and Eidur Gudjohnsenson’s injuries heading into the tournament weakened the favourites.

England, kitted out in a strip paying homage to the heroics of 1966, thumped Vanuatu 3-0 in the opening game.

Rashford scored the first before Harry Maguire enhanced his reputation as the world’s best free-kick specialist with two dead ball beauties.

Getty - Contributor
Practice makes perfect for the world’s best

As expected, the absence of Sigurdssonson and Gudjohnsenson, arguably the best Icelandic players since their fathers, made England’s task much easier, with Rashford and Brewster both scoring in a 2-0 win.

Finally it was time for France. The game looked like it was heading for a 0-0 draw before a trademark Foden run freed substitute Rooney to score a 90th minute winner.

He celebrated with his trademark move- whipping out a comb from his socks and running it through his long, luscious locks.

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Knockout rounds

England survived an early goal from Adalberto Penaranda to see off Venezuela in the round of 16 thanks to a double from Rashford and Ainsley Maitland-Niles, who was still being booed by some fans after swapping Arsenal for Spurs on a free transfer.

Inevitably England then drew Wales, whose potent attack of Gareth Bale and Ben Woodburn had made light work of the tournament.

Step forward Jordan Pickford, who saved three penalties during the resulting shootout before smashing the final pen into the top corner wearing no boots.

England rumbled on into the semi-finals, where Lampard and Gerrard’s side faced Argentina.

PA:Press Association
England’s co-managers attend a wedding

Benjamin Aguero, who shocked the world by making the Argentina squad at 13, partnered Paulo Dybala with his dad Sergio watching on from the bench.

Step forward Harry Billy Winks. The 25-year-old was at the heart of everything positive about England, with a majestic through ball releasing Bayern Munich’s Jadon Sancho to make it 1-0.

Sergio came off the bench but, despite severe pressure from Argetnina’s father and son combination, England held firm.

Getty - Contributor
On the verge of greatness

Final time. England v Portugal. Ronaldo Vieira v Ronaldo.

Mikel Deaninho whistled to start the game, with England instantly on the back foot.

Cristiano Ronaldo made a mockery of the fact he was 36 by putting Portugal ahead.

Rashford struck back but, with the game in the 90th minute, extra-time beckoned.

Rooney switched the ball out to Sancho, who faked a rabona before being fouled on the edge of Portugal’s box.

Maguire stepped up, smashed the ball over the wall and off the crossbar, bouncing down onto the line.

Sir Mark Clattenburg, watching from his VAR station on Mars, awarded the goal, and England were crowned World Cup winners.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Over and out