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How Liverpool will ACTUALLY spend the £145m Philippe Coutinho money

The Reds have pretty bad form for splashing large transfer windfalls unwisely

Liverpool have a rather large transfer kitty now at their disposal.

Philippe Coutinho’s long awaited and inevitable move to Barcelona finally went through this week, with the Reds pocketing a hefty £145m from the deal.


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It’s wasn’t a bad dream, Liverpool fans

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It’s wasn’t a bad dream, Liverpool fans

Will they spend it wisely? Will they f***.

After selling Luis Suarez for £75m back in 2014 the Merseysiders embarked on possibly the most infamously atrocious spending spree in transfer history.

It made Tottenham’s the year before look world class.

‘The Magnificent Seven’

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‘The Magnificent Seven’

That forgettable summer the Reds reinvested the Suarez sum in the likes of Dejan Lovren, Rickie Lambert, Adam Lallana, Lazar Markovic, Emre Can, Alberto Moreno and, of course, Mario Balotelli.

But they couldn’t make the same mistake again… could they?

Jurgen Klopp has been at the helm for two years

PA:Press Association
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“I could waste the money…”

Here’s who Liverpool, despite being linked with a number of stellar names, will actually sign over the coming months with their handsome Coutinho funds…

1 James Ward-Prowse (£30m)

Youngster James Ward-Prowse has been on Southampton's books the longest

Reuters
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Unlike a Southampton player to move to Liverpool

Liverpool have got some money to spend and some players to sign, so naturally their attention turns to the south coast.

Despite seemingly failing to get any better in the last four seasons, Ward-Prowse tops their wanted list and a £30m bid does the business.

Will be hoping to build on his promising one assist and zero goals so far this season.

2 Maya Yoshida (£15m)

Yoshida and Lovren concede 10 times in their first two games together

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Yoshida and Lovren concede 10 times in their first two games together

If you thought the Southampton raid finished at Ward-Prowse… think again.

Liverpool fail to learn from Dejan Lovren’s disastrous spell at Anfield and move for another centre-back – Yoshida – to partner him after Virgil van Dijk goes on strike trying to force through a switch to Barcelona.

Yoshida, to everyone’s surprise, fares no better than Lovren, scoring an own goal on his debut by booting the ball in off his own face.

3 Glenn Murray (£3m)

Say hello to the newest member of the Fab Four

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Say hello to the newest member of the Fab Four

Who is 2018’s answer to Rickie Lambert?

Step forward Mr Murray, with the journeyman seen as an ideal upgrade to their previous ‘Plan B’ – signing Steven Caulker on loan and playing him up front.

Surprisingly fails to establish a ‘telepathic understanding’ with Mohamed Salah and Sadio Mane.

4 Manuel Lanzini (£40m)

Like for like replacement?

Getty - Contributor
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Like for like replacement?

Lanzini is effectively Coutinho without the flair, skill, vision, goals and assists. So close enough.

West Ham are reluctant to lose their star man but David Moyes needs to free up funds to start pursuing Steven Pienaar, Darron Gibson and John O’Shea.

The Argentine assumes Coutinho’s old Liverpool shirt number and instantly becomes the worst no.10 in the club’s rich history.

5 Alexandre Pato (£10m)

He shouldn’t look this good in Liverpool red

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He shouldn’t look this good in Liverpool red

Balotelli was a gamble that didn’t pay off, so which other maverick striker also deserves a second shot at the Premier League?

Pato – the man who seemingly never ages – is convinced to swap Chinese riches for sunny Merseyside and sells approximately a billion shirts in his first week.

Manages to record four times the amount of haircuts (so four) as goals scored during his very short stint at Anfield.

6 Jose Gaya (£25m)

What’s the Spanish for brain fart?

AFP or licensors
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What’s the Spanish for brain fart?

What’s that you say? A slightly erratic Spanish left back is next on the wishlist? One coming right up!

Despite Alberto Moreno’s turbulent Liverpool career, the Reds splash out £25m on Valencia full back Gaya.

Gaya immediately forgets the basic principles of defending, conceding three penalties on his debut.

7 Gabriel Barbosa (£20m)

Liverpool’s clubs and bars won’t know what’s hit them

Refer to Caption
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Liverpool’s clubs and bars won’t know what’s hit them

Remember Lazar Markovic? Remarkably he’s still a Liverpool player, although even the bench is a pipedream for him this season.

Well the Reds need a replacement and turn to another ill-disciplined winger brimming with potential in Barbosa – AKA Gabigol.

Gabigol is spotted leaving a city centre bar at 6am within a month and is banished to the reserves… alongside Markovic.


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