Here’s how Philippe Coutinho’s Barcelona career will pan out

We've looked into our crystal (palace) ball to see how Philippe Coutinho's Barcelona career will pan out

Bored of the Philippe Coutinho saga already?

So are we. No problem though, because we’ve dug out our crystal ball, called up Uri Geller and looked into the future.

Here is what’s in store for the rest of Coutinho’s career.

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He’s a natural fit in the Barcelona colours

Scores two goals on his debut

After sitting out with a thigh injury for two weeks Coutinho returns to the squad for the visit of Alaves.

Despite starting on the bench he manages to bag two goals in a 7-1 win.

Celebrates his second goal by lifting up his shirt to reveal a picture of Jordan Henderson and Alberto Moreno while laughing hysterically, which becomes his most liked photo on Instagram.

The grass is definitely greener in this case

Forced to deny ‘disrespecting the opposition’ against Eibar

Although yet to taste defeat, Coutinho faces his first sticky spell with the Spanish media following a 4-0 win against Eibar.

Phil nutmegs Eibar defender Ivan Ramis for the 11th time in the match, but claims he meant no malice.

His argument is slightly undone by the fact he was simultaneously rubbing his tummy and patting his head while doing so.

‘I didn’t mean to nutmeg him, honestly’

Kicked out of the first-leg against Chelsea

Coutinho returns to England to take on Chelsea in the Champions League round of 16 at Stamford Bridge after getting special dispensation from UEFA to play in the tournament.

Danny Drinkwater does a number on him, kicking him out of the game in a dull 0-0 draw.

Roy Keane goes mental, calling Coutinho ‘overrated’ and a ‘flop’ but has to eat humble pie when, with Drinkwater suspended, he inspires a 3-0 win in the Nou Camp.

Getty Images - Getty
Coutinho’s Kryptonite

Spotted on Ronaldinho’s float at Rio Carnival

Phil wins La Liga and Copa del Rey in his first season at the Nou Camp, but his second campaign is interrupted by a trip back to Brazil.

He insists he has to go back home for treatment on an injury however revellers catch him partying on Ronaldinho’s float during Rio Carnival in March.

All is forgotten as he returns to Barcelona to help them win a treble, scoring against RB Leipzig in the 2019 Champions League final at Burton Albion’s Pirelli Stadium.

AP:Associated Press
Who could say no to partying with this man?

Handed Barcelona’s no.10 shirt

Coutinho, who is now in his third season at Barcelona, is handed Barcelona’s iconic no.10 shirt after Lionel Messi’s shock move back to Newell’s Old Boys.

Barcelona AM (after Messi) finish third in La Liga, behind Valencia and Real Madrid, but do win Copa del Rey.

None of the blame can be placed on Coutinho who, along with World Cup winner Ousmane Dembele, sparkles throughout, scoring 17 league goals and contributing a further 21 assists for Harry Kane.

El es uno de los nuestros

Aggressively chirpsed by Neymar and Kylian Mbappe

Heading into his fourth season at Barcelona, Coutinho is aggressively pursued by Ballon d’Or winner Mbappe and PSG’s record goalscorer Neymar on Social Media platform Instabooktweet.

He resists the urge to leave until January but Neymar and Mbappe are relentless and take to prank calling Coutinho, threatening to steal his dogs unless he moves to PSG.

Coutinho leaves Barcelona for PSG in the winter transfer market for a world-record price of 109 Bitcoins and 12.5% shares in electronic finger spinners.

He’s replaced by La Masia graduate Xavi Simmons.

‘I’m going to bully you until you agree to join’

Spends a year and a half in Paris

Coutinho sees out two season at Paris, helping PSG win their fourth successive domestic treble.

Along with Mbappe, Neymar and Justin Kluivert he scores 150 goals in Hugo Lloris’ revolutionary 2-3-1-4 formation.

However he soon grows tired of scoring double figures against Angers, Caen and Guingamp in the French League, in which PSG’s B team finish runners-up.

Lloris gave up a promising tennis career to take over the reigns at PSG, where he became their most successful manager in history

Returns to boyhood club Vasco da Gama

Coutinho returns to Vasco da Gama, where it all started, for the 2024/25 season.

His shirt fits far tighter than it used to and he doesn’t have to train but, partnered with Casemiro, he still leads Vasco to a Copa Libertadores trophy for the first time since 1998.

The same artist who designed Asamoah Gyan’s statue is commissioned to build a statue of Coutinho outside Estadio Sao Januario. It’s quickly taken down.

A romantic six-month loan spell

At the age of 32 Coutinho re-joins Liverpool on loan for the second half of the 2025/26 season.

He’s still a hero amongst the Kop, despite leaving Liverpool the season before their famous title win.

While he spends most of the time on the hoverbench, he does make it onto the pitch for the last 15 minutes of Liverpool’s FA Cup final win against arch-rivals Salford City.

Manager Steven Gerrard insists on carrying him off the pitch on his shoulders in his last game for Liverpool.

Name a more iconic quadruple

Dash for cash at the end of his career

Coutinho spends two more seasons playing in the Vietnamese Super League and the North Korean First Division, coining it in at the end of his career.

Finally, at the age of 34, he announces his retirement.

A legend of the game, fans of Liverpool, Barcelona, PSG and Pyongyang United all demand that his number (10 at Liverpool, Barcelona and PSB but 69 at Pyongyang) is retired.

His hologram is inserted into the Football Hall of Fame.

Good hustle, Phil. Enjoy retirement.