We’ll come clean. We’ve grown to hate the transfer window.
So formulaic has the whole window now become that we, at Dream Team HQ, are pretty confident about predicting what will go down this summer.
So, without further ado, here are nine things that will definitely take place during the window.
Feel free to come back on Friday 1 September and see how spot on we were.
Gareth Barry joins Juventus
Everyone writes Barry off heading into the 2017/2018 season. ‘He’s too old’. ‘He only passes sideways’. ‘His hair is too perfect for a man of that age’.
But wherever an ageing free transfer is available you can usually trust Juventus to be close.
Barry moves to Turin, where he wins four Serie A titles. He scoops the Italian Player of the Year award in 2019 after moving to defence and replacing Leonardo Bonucci in Juventus’ BBC back three.
West Ham linked with Edinson Cavani, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Alvaro Morata
West Ham blogger Iron Muse tweets that he’s seen Cavani eating pie and mash in the East End.
On the same day David Gold tweets: “Big announcement coming. Stay tuned. DG.” Hammers fans can’t contain their excitement.
At 3.33pm Gold officially announces the return of Carlton Cole on a two-year deal. Scenes.
Man United sign three centre-backs who can also play left-back
Jose Mourinho boosts his squad with the arrivals of three centre-backs who can also play left-back.
The only problem is none of them are really central defenders and none of them can really play left-back.
One ends up in holding midfield, the other ends up on the left wing and the final one is picked apart in front of the media every week despite seemingly doing nothing wrong.
Chelsea find Spurs’ transfer targets on the train
Something strange keeps happening every time Spurs try and sign a player. Just 24 hours after having a medical they end up joining Chelsea instead.
It turns out Daniel Levy left his list of transfer targets on the train at Seven Sisters and they’ve fallen into the wrong hands.
To rub salt into the wounds, half of the new arrivals can’t even get into the Chelsea squad and end up on loan in Holland, while Spurs have to make do with playing Moussa Sissoko at right-back.
Real Madrid make Zinedine Zidane’s job harder
On the first day of the transfer window Zizou pops in to see Florentino Perez and talk through his transfer window.
It’s all very amicable as Zidane lays out the need for a new right-back, goalkeeper and holding midfielder. But Perez has other ideas.
He explains that Eden Hazard and Sergio Aguero will be arriving for world record fees and no one will be leaving, forcing Zizou to pioneer the 3-0-7 formation.
Southampton’s replacement ends up being better than the player sold to Liverpool
Liverpool make their annual trip to Southampton, as any middle aged man does to B&Q, to sign Virgil van Dijk.
But as soon as he gets onto the M62 he transforms into Titus Bramble and completely forgets the basics of defending.
Southampton replace him with a 19-year-old from Groningen who takes the Premier League by storm before moving to Liverpool. The circle of life continues.
Arsenal will wait until the final day of the window to sign France Under-19’s captain
After handing out a new 15-year contract to Rob Holding Wenger sets about signing some more players.
But the lure of being shouted at on Arsenal Fan TV and playing in the Europa League isn’t as strong as Wenger had hoped.
In the end he has to settle for a Lorient defender who’s full of promise but ultimately ends up playing on loan for Colchester before heading back to France without making a senior appearance in north London.
Barcelona refuse to sign anyone recognised
Who needs new signings when yo can call upon MSN up front?
The only players Barcelona sign are from Valencia, although that has absolutely nothing to do with Jorge Mendes *cough*.
Barcelona sign Simone Zaza to sit on the bench, but are forced to sell him when he falls asleep during a Copa del Rey tie.
AC Milan spend £300million
Milan take the softly, softly, catchee absolutely f*** all approach to getting back to the top of Serie A and splurge £300million on players during the transfer window.
They all underperform as Milan go through six different managers in the season and miss out on Europe altogether.
A desperate bid to get the Intertoto Cup brought back fails, and Milan are forced to sell all their players. Luckily they’re saved by their ridiculous academy.