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Crystal ball

9 things that will definitely happen in the Premier League next season

A mountain of Wenger Out banners, a third Spurs bottlejob, N'Golo Kante's premature retirement... it's all so obvious

We hate to be negative but there’s really no point in bothering with the Premier League next season.

It’s already so obvious how it’s going to play out…

The Invincibles!

Don’t remind him that Ronaldo is actually older than Rooney

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Don’t remind him that Ronaldo is actually older than Rooney

After spending over £200million in the summer on the likes of Antoine Griezmann, James Rodriguez and Kylian Mbappe, Man United spend the entire season in sixth place without ever losing a game.

During one particularly dull draw at home to Watford, David De Gea is caught weeping as he watches highlights of Real Madrid on his phone.

At the end of the season, Jose Mourinho will say he did the best he could with a ‘bad bunch’.

The key goes missing

Kante likes to relax after a double-marathon with a cheeky triathlon before bed

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Kante likes to relax after a double-marathon with a cheeky triathlon before bed

N’Golo Kante’s shock retirement midway through the season to pursue a career in double-marathon running unhinges Chelsea’s title retention.

New signing Romelu Lukaku can’t find the net for love nor money.

Shanghai Shenhua’s Diego Costa spends the vast majority of his £800,000-a-week wages on anger management classes and sending giant posters of himself back to Stamford Bridge.

Classic 0-11-0 formation

Playing out from the back never looked so good

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Playing out from the back never looked so good

Pep Guardiola starts the season by slowly phasing out defenders once and for all.

By September their entire back four is made up of playmakers and wingers.

By February all City’s outfield players will be genuine No10s.

And by March David Silva will start in goal; he’s got useless hands but his distribution is beautiful.

Liverhampton

PICTURED: Southampton’s new badge for next season

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PICTURED: Southampton’s new badge for next season

Jurgen Klopp signs Nathan Redmond, Manolo Gabbiadini, Ryan Bertrand and Oriol Romeu in the summer.

It’s cheaper when you buy in bulk.

95% of football fans literally can’t tell the difference between Liverpool and Southampton.

When the two teams play each other it looks like a giant inter-club friendly.

Several confused Saints fans start turning up at Anfield every other week.

Ten more years!

The apocalypse will start in North London

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The apocalypse will start in North London

Arsene Wenger signs a record-breaking ten-year contract extension with Arsenal, sparking what will later be described as the the riot that eventually ended the world as we know it.

Wenger celebrates the occasion by signing Ligue 2’s third top scorer to replace the departing Alexis Sanchez.

Around midway through the season, the Emirates is completely submerged in ‘Wenger Out’ banners and the Gunners are forced to ground share with Spurs at Wembley.

The cast of Arsenal Fan TV briefly take Granit Xhaka hostage after he’s fifth red card of the season but the police successfully negotiate with Robbie for the Swiss midfielder’s safe release.

The Rafalution

All jokes aside, it will be superb to have this man back in the top flight

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All jokes aside, it will be superb to have this man back in the top flight

Newcastle’s overhaul sees them field an opening day XI made up exclusively of Frenchman and Spaniards… and Matt Ritchie.

This works great at the start and end of the season but the Game of Thrones-esque winter up north is debilitating.

50,000 fans respond by attending the Boxing Day fixture completely naked; some still remark that it’s ‘a bit too warm’ for their liking.

One-man team

Good options on Swansea’s bench to be fair

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Good options on Swansea’s bench to be fair

Gylfi Sigurdsson scores every single one of Swansea’s goals from the opening day until Christmas.

The Icelandic playmaker is named as the club’s new captain and he continues to take all corners, free-kicks and penalties….as well as goal-kicks, centres and drop balls.

He also does all the interviews and press conferences and acts as the club’s physio, mascot, nutritionist, coach driver and chairman.

Not again…

Deja vu is a bitch

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Deja vu is a bitch

Spurs are by far and away the best team in the league.

Harry Kane racks up 30 goals, Dele Alli continues his rise to superstardom, Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen reach Italian-esque levels of defensive superiority, and Mousa Dembele goes the whole season without ever giving the ball away.

With three games to play they are nine points ahead; the club even plan the celebratory open-top bus parade.

Then disaster strikes.

Three consecutive 4-0 losses means they finish second, trophyless. Again.

The Champions!

The scenes moments before Ashley Barnes breaks Jamie Vardy’s consecutive goal record

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The scenes moments before Ashley Barnes breaks Jamie Vardy’s consecutive goal record

After Sean Dyche’s voice becomes too gruff for his players to understand a single word, Claudio Ranieri is appointed Burnley manager.

The pizza-loving gaffer leads another fairytale campaign and, thanks to Spurs’ choke, secures a remarkable title win with a 3-0 win over Leicester (who else?) at fortress Turf Moor.

Lancashire’s bravest gamblers collect their 5000/1 winnings and all is well with the world.

All inevitable, right?

DREAM TEAM COMEDY - The Wenger in society