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'ONE SIZE FITZ HALL'

Player nicknames: The good, the bad and the ugly

Philipp Lahm deserved so much better...

Football plays host to a plethora of nicknames.

El Tigre, The Pitbull, The Milton Keynes Kaka… there’s something for everyone.

Here we’ve selected some of our favourites and a few we wish would disappear from existence…

GOOD

Action Images World Cup Preview Collection 1998 Dennis Bergkamp - Holland

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After looking at this photo we bought this Inter shirt from eBay. Not even kidding

Dennis Bergkamp. Great player, even better nickname.

Fate conspired to assist headline writers across the world as the only player really known for a fear of flying also happened to be from the Netherlands.

All hail ‘the non-flying Dutchman’.

Denmark v Sweden - UEFA Under21 European Championship 2015

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PICTURED: Not Zlatan

John Guidetti earned the nickname ‘the microwave’ from his Celta Vigo team mates after twice scoring almost instantly after coming off the bench in pre-season.

Just like a microwave, he always delivers in less than a minute.

Posing with the Ballon d’Or in a black fleece. Iconic

Reuters
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Posing with the Ballon d’Or in a black fleece. Iconic

Imagine being so good that people call you ‘O Fenomeno’ (The Phenomenon) without a hint of irony or sarcasm.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s emergence as bloody good player has meant that fans across the world have been forced to refer to Brazilian Ronaldo by a number of nicknames.

Some call him ‘Original Ronaldo’, others call him ‘Fat Ronaldo’, but ‘O Fenomeno’ is the most appropriate term for a talent as frightening as this.

NINTCHDBPICT000004271721

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Chelsea legend

Andriy Shevchenko always had a certain mystique and mythology about him during his Milan days.

Occasionally you’d see highlights of him terrorising defenders under the guise ‘the Eastern wind.’

He was like the villain in a spy film you secretly hoped would succeed in his dastardly plan.

Loves a curry and a Cobra

News Group Newspapers Ltd
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Loves a curry and a Cobra

Ray Parlour = The Romford Pele.

Yes. Just… yes.

musampa

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Reebok-era City was wild

Kiki Musampa was given the nickname Chris. Get it?

Chris Musampa… Christmas hamper.

You just don’t get any better than that.

fitz

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GOAT

Actually, scratch that, you do get better.

Commanding centre-back Fitz Hall went by the nickname ‘One size’.

One size Fitz Hall = One size fits all.

Class.

BAD

asanovic

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State of his elbows

Former Croatia international Aljosa Asanovic went by the nickname ‘Vatreni Lakat’ which translates to ‘fiery elbow’.

The ex-Derby County midfielder had a distinct running style which featured pointed elbows for ploughing opponents out the way.

Doesn’t sound stupid at all.

NINTCHDBPICT000003880222

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You already know…

Golden Balls.

Enough said.

FUSSBALL : CL 02/03 , PSV EINDHOVEN - BORUSSIA DORTMUND 1:3

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Mystery most definitely not solved

Former PSV centre-back Ernest Faber was bizarrely know as ‘the paper clip’.

Even after extensive research (five minutes on Google) we couldn’t quite figure out why.

We like to think that he always popped up when it was most annoying for the opposing striker, much like the Microsoft paper clip.

“I see you’re trying to score a goal, let me help you with that.”

Truth bomb

Reuters
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Truth bomb

It’s about time somebody said it.

‘Little Pea’ is a terrible nickname.

Yes, we know Javier Hernandez’s dad was known as ‘Pea’ because of his green eyes and the father-son connection is rather heartwarming.

But Chicharito is supposed to be a deadly pocher and his small vegetable moniker just doesn’t fit the bill.

UGLY

Manchester United are still paying Rooneys wages from his ti e at Old Trafford

AP
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Roonaldo was always our personal favourite

As much as his loyal supporters have tried to force Wazza into existence, for many people, Wayne Rooney will always be Shrek.

It’s not fair, but then again, neither is life.

Turkey v Germany - EURO 2012 Qualifier

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Blimey

Commanding Turkish centre-back Servet Cetin went by the nickname Ayıbogan which translates to: ‘A man who could choke a bear, due to his height and strength.’

Fair f**ks.

Soccer - World Cup Italia 1990 - Group B - Argentina v USSR - Stadio San Paolo

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Any guesses?

Carlos Bilardo, the Argentina manager of the mid to late eighties, is universally known as ‘big nose’.

Not particularly clever or witty but sometimes you have to tap in an open goal.

Philipp Lahm is considering a sensational return to the game

PA:Empics Sport
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You deserve so much better

Philpp Lahm is one of the best players ever. Fact.

Nothing sums up just how underappreciated and underrated the Bayern Munich legend was, and still is, than his nickname.

Lahm, a World Cup winning captain, is genuinely referred to as ‘Magic Dwarf’ — disgraceful.

We’ve left loads out so let us know your favourite on Facebook or Twitter.