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11 things that will definitely happen if Lionel Messi moves to the Premier League

Lionel Messi has been linked to a move to the Premier League every transfer window for about the last decade, but as time moves on it may become more likely.

But while the Argentine magician ponders whether he’ll stay at Barcelona for the rest of his career, we’ve looked into our crystal ball to come up with the things that will definitely happen if Messi were to move to the Premier League.

1 He’ll score on a cold, wet, windy night at Stoke



Messi has always proved he’s capable to do it on the biggest stage at club level, but his biggest test yet would be to prove the internet that he could indeed do it on a cold, wet and windy night in the Potteries.

2 He’d be criticised by some pundits for ‘not tracking back enough’



For me Clive, he just doesn’t do enough defensive work and he needs to work on that side of his game.

3 He’d get snapped by someone like Lee Cattermole



Sunderland fans would try and defend their player by saying ‘That’s what the Premier League is about, physicality’, before realising that it’s not really been about that at all for about 15 years.

4 People would say he was going through a ‘drought’ after two games



Such is the level of his ability, people would genuinely think something might be wrong with Messi if he hadn’t scored in 180 minutes of football.

5 Sales of the kit Messi would be wearing would go through the roof



To be honest, it wouldn’t matter who he signed for, I would buy that kit.

And before you say that’d be disloyal, or I should have more respect for the club I support – I’m a Leyton Orient fan.

And yes it is a number 0 shirt – he can do whatever he likes.

6 Paul Merson would still manage to get his name wrong on Soccer Saturday



“Oooooh Jeff it’s a brilliant goal, it’s that man again, you just can’t keep him out of the game, what a player Liam Massey is.”

7 His four-year-old son Thiago will sign for Arsenal



Because footballers’ kids seemingly always do

8 Spurs v Messi’s team would just turn into a nutmeg contest between Messi and Dele


Sky Sports would bill it as ‘Nutmeg Monday’ and they would do away with the actual score in the top left corner, replacing it with a live megs counter.

9 There will be rumours that his family ‘can’t adapt to living with England’ 



Of course they can’t – Manchester’s hardly Barcelona is it?

10 He’ll get sent off, and people will claim it’s a ‘nasty side we’ve not seen before’



Other than 45 seconds into his Argentina debut, of course.

11 The club’s announcement will be so tinpot they wouldn’t deserve to actually sign him



Seriously, the world’s best player and you think a billboard next to a dual carriageway would be the most fitting way to welcome him?

Liquidate your club, and deactivate your account.