1 A complete backroom staff reshuffle
The thought of playing even a second of football before you’ve recruited a superior Fitness Coach makes the skin crawl.
2 Spending hours constructing the perfect training schedules
The general group schedules are a nice starting points but it’s all about individual bespoke routines. Remember to keep injury-prone players off intensive sessions.
3 Arranging the perfect pre-season tour
There’s some money involved and some careful calendar adjustments but the players need to experience in the right conditions and against suitable opponents.
And what’s the harm in a morale boosting thrashing of Dunfermline Athletic?
4 Putting ten players on the transfer list straight away
Tackling 19? Go home FM, you’re drunk.
The dead weight needs to be shed. Inevitably only around three or four get sold and you have to deal with some very unhappy campers but they all get shown the door eventually.
5 Having to deal with a squad of orange and red morales
You don’t renew a club legend’s contract and all of a sudden the whole squad has got the hump. Get over it lads, we’re first in the league for God’s sake!
6 Identifying the wonderkids and luring them into your den of potential
It always feels a bit seedy trawling through the list of 16-year-olds but you know picking the right one will deliver a league title in a mere seven seasons’ time.
7 Going through the mind-numbing pain of negotiating a stadium expansion
£95K for one seat? Seems reasonable.
8 Battling the board for a transfer budget increase
And never having the balls to issue an ultimatum for fear of spending the next day in the imaginary Job Centre.
9 Sitting with your head in your hands for an hour after your star player picks up a serious injury
A serious viral infection? Really? Are you f**king kidding me?
10 Answering every single interview question in immense detail
Typing answers into the additional comments section then immediately reflecting on whether you’ve made the right life choices.
11 Resisting the urge to save game before crucial matches
If you’re a Football Manager purist then you know saving before a big game and quitting if you lose is the lowest form of cheating. Whatever happens, happens.
12 Putting on a suit for cup finals
You can’t exactly turn up to virtual Wembley in your pants, can you?
13 Taking a job as an international coach then instantly regretting it
International friendlies are boring in real life. Why would I want to be in charge of a make-believe one?
14 Taking a five-minute break at the end of a season to reflect on your success before starting a new one
We always go back for more. Even after enduring defeats like this. Here we go again…