David De Gea has been confirmed as Man United’s new penalty taker.
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer made the shock announcement after Marcus Rashford missed from the spot against Crystal Palace – United’s second missed penalty in as many games.
Unofficial Man United insider Lee Satchell explained: “Ole was already planning on promoting De Gea to spot kick duties before today’s miss.
“Rashford’s shocker was just the straw that broke the camel’s back and the Spaniard will now take every penalty for United for the rest of the season.
“Ole believes that De Gea is the best candidate for the job after proving he’s good with his feet from the amount of shots he’s saved with them over the years while playing in goal.
“Paul Pogba was furious at the decision and is on his way to Ole’s office as we speak to vent his frustration.
“As you would imagine, Pogba’s walk to the office is taking a while because he’s chosen to do it in his trademark penalty run-up to prove his credentials to Ole.
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“Rashford stopped him on the way to Ole’s office and the pair were seen having a heated confrontation in the tunnel as to who should moan to the manager first.
“Pogba eventually pulled rank as the senior player and Rashford stood down.
“I can confirm that the Frenchman is wasting his time though as the decision has been unanimously approved by the rest of the squad.
“De Gea has already discussed goal celebrations with Jesse Lingard.”
More on this totally fake news as we get it…