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10 things that will *definitely* happen in the January transfer window

From a Premier League side signing the 'Azerbaijani Messi' to Arsene Wenger's broken record comments, here's what will happen this transfer window

The January transfer window has burst open once again, which can only mean one thing – it’s time to get our crystal ball out again.

But what will happen? Here’s your ultimate alternative guide to the things that will definitely happen this month.

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1 Arsene Wenger will claim he ‘could have signed Philippe Coutinho for £8million’ in 2012


Course he will – add it to the list alongside Yaya Toure, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Cristiano Ronaldo and your Dad.

2 Meanwhile, Arsenal fans will spot something on Alexis Sanchez’s dogs Instagram suggesting he’s off to Man City


The Atom and Humber Instagram page, which we shouldn’t forget is unfathomably a real thing, will see one of them wearing a light blue hat, which means Alexis is definitely leaving.

3 Someone will sign a player dubbed the ‘[Insert country name here] Messi’


Of course, Azerbaijani star Ruslan Abışov might be a defender and the polar opposite of Lionel Messi, but West Brom seriously need to sex up the signing a little bit, don’t they?

4 West Ham will be ‘in for Paulo Dybala’, and end up signing Shane Long


You do have to admire the Dildo Brothers’ ambition, but reality is sometimes hard to take.

5 Jose Mourinho will moan about not spending any money before dropping £70million on Ivan Perisic


Smoke and Mirrors Mourinho at it again. He really is like a child who has been given ten bags of Haribo but moans that his friend has 11.

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6 Someone with the surname Dembele will move


Whether it’s Mousa, Moussa, Karamoko, or Dembele Dembele (there probably is a player with that name out there), expect to see the surname Dembele around in abundance this month.

7 ‘Christian Ronaldo linked to Premier League club’ will be a headline


Leading most of us to not read it properly, click on the link only to discover it’s a bloke with a similar name to CR7, and plays in the Portuguese second division.


8 Arsenal will sign a 17-year-old you’ve never heard of ‘but looks decent on YouTube’


Nantes reserve central midfielder is exactly what the Gunners need! Now check out this hastily arranged montage with piercing drum and bass music, but wait! It’s also in HD!

9 A Premier League ‘legend’ will return to a bottom half club


You didn’t realise Morten Gamst Pedersen was still playing, did you? Well, he is, and he’s coming back to provide an left-sided outlet for Huddersfield.

You probably didn’t realise he’s now known as a Premier League legend, but it’s a rule that everyone must be known as this if they return to England’s top flight.

10 There will be a last minute clamour for first team football


Everyone and anyone who has a chance of getting in their respective World Cup squads will be pitching up at clubs across the country looking for first team assurances.

So whether it’s Jack Wilshere, Daniel Sturridge or Olivier Giroud, there might be some juicy transfers in the offing at the end.