America will give up football and concentrate on ‘traditional’ American sports like NFL and ice hockey after failing to qualify for World Cup 2018.
Bruce Arena’s side finished second from bottom in a group containing Honduras, Panama and Trinidad and Tobago.
A 2-1 loss to Trinidad and Tobago, who finished bottom of the group, confirmed their failure to qualify.
An inside source, Lee Satchell, explained: “It’s time to end the confusion.
“Soccer, football, american football, american soccer. It’s all just got a bit too much.
“It’s time to focus on what we’re good at. And that isn’t football.
“We’re not going to leave our players out in the cold though.
“Christian Pulisic is going to New York Giants to try out as their quarterback. They need a bit of cheering up after OBJ’s injury.
“Jozy Altidore has been signed up by Los Angeles Lakers to play power forward.
“They’re already hoping he can be the new Stephen Curry.
“And we’ve got Tim Howard a move to the Pittsburgh Penguins so he can try out a bit of ice hockey.
“We should have given football up as soon as Landon Donovan retired to be honest, but we thought Freddy Adu was going to come back and light up world football.
“Right, I’m off to pick my NFL Fantasy Football team. Go Bengals!”
See more from our satirical False 9 column below:
- Insomniac who’s been awake for seven years fell asleep during England v Slovenia
- 40,000 Arsenal fans turn up to Emirates on Wednesday night expecting Champions League football
Philippe Coutinho or Henrikh Mkhitaryan? Why not both?
That’s the beauty of Dream Team Weekender – there are no budget limitations so you can pick any player available from this weekend’s fixtures.
That means you don’t have to worry about only picking one star playmaker when Liverpool and Manchester United lock horns in the tastiest game of the season so far on Saturday.
Weekender is the best new fantasy football game around and it’s absolutely free to enter.
Just select seven players from across the Saturday and Sunday Premier League fixtures for your chance to bag that increased £20k prize this weekend.
Flopped so far this season? It doesn’t matter, as Weekender allows you to start afresh every single weekend. Let the games begin – sign up to play here!