Man United have been publicly and reliably linked with legendary Brazilian Pele, two fictional characters, and whoever the best player is for your five-a-side team.
The Old Trafford club have been linked with a seemingly endless list of players this transfer window and now, according to a number of trustworthy news outlets, they are set on including every known player on their shortlist, be they past, present, alive, dead or fictional.
With Romelu Lukaku set to be officially announced at any moment, fans of United will undoubtedly be excited at the prospect of been linked with a few million more players before settling on an infinitely more realistic total of one or two players.
Club insider Lee Satchell supposedly had this to say: “Pele is widely considered to be the best player of all time so it makes sense to go for him.
“People keep saying ‘he’s 76-years-old’ but Zlatan proved last season age is just a number and besides, Pele’s won three World Cups for crying out loud.
“As for Santiago Munez, who doesn’t love the Goal films?
“And Jose [Mourinho] was a big fan of the Sky One television series Dream Team so that explains Karl Fletcher. He’s submitted a bid to Harchester United… at least he thinks he has.”
Dragons legend Fletcher has an impressive goal record, scoring 452 goals in 749 games… in the fictionalised universe of late-nineties to mid-noughties television.
While Santiago Munez’s spell at Real Madrid has given him enough imaginary experience at a big European club to make the cut.
Reports also suggest that your WhatsApp group will experience a surge of messages as United have refused to rule out a deal for whoever the best player in your midweek five-a-side team is these days.
Which means you’ll have to get another mate to play while he prepares himself for a medical that will never actually happen.
As transfer rumour season reaches its peak, scientists have calculated that every human on earth has a 95% of personally knowing somebody who has been or will be ‘strongly linked’ with Man United this summer.
More on this fabricated story as it unfolds…