1 Every game will kick off at 3am for the Chinese TV audience
The game’s gone, lads.
2 Your half-time pint will be replaced with a delicious steak and kidney pill
3 You’ll slag off BT Sport’s 18-man commentary panel
And Michael Owen’s great, great, great grandson will bore the s*** out of you.
4 New kits will come out every week
But you’ll still buy them all.
5 Players’ names are now sponsors, I’m afraid
Lionel Pepsi, Cristiano McDonalds, Carpetright Cattermole.
6 Excuses will be a little different in the future
7 And so will WAGs
Gaze into her unblinking metal eyes.
8 You *really* won’t want to play in the SolarEuropa League
Could Messi do it on a really, really, really cold night in Saturn?
9 But at least Premier League away days will be a little easier
10 You won’t complain about foreigners faking injury any more
“Those Martians go down easily.”
11 But at least you’ll still go to the games with your dad
Even if it his just his head in a jar.