Someone alert Pulitzer because this is #EliteJournalism at its finest.
For the past few weeks all I/We/You/Mum/Dad/Gecko have talked about is the World Cup and Love Island. Harry Kane this, Jack’s teeth that.
Should Gareth Southgate be starting Marcus Rashford? Why has Alex not started peeling yet? How can we get the best out of Raheem Sterling? Does Megan have a toe thumb? Where have all of England’s creative midfielders gone? Will Danny Dyer be entering the villa at some point?
We’ve gone through a f****** heatwave without realising because all anyone cares about is 23 heroes and a Majorcan villa. Now it’s time to answer the real question. Which members of England’s soon-to-be-knighted-en-masse World Cup squad would thrive on Love Island?
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If ever an England footballer was built for the villa it’s Ruben Ira Loftus-Cheek; the cheeky chappy straight out of Lewisham with the body of Adonis.
But Ruben wouldn’t win. Like Adam, he’d be a victim of his own good looks. All that BDE would cause carnage. Hearts would be broken quicker than you could say ‘loan move to Vitesse Arnhem’.
After spinning one too many plates he’d end up getting voted out by the public, parachuted straight into a life of club appearances, 25% off whey protein powder deals and his own novelty condom range.
You don’t see Trent for the first couple of episodes. He’s not brash. He’s not fighting for air time. He can handle his lager without getting all shouty and aggressive. He goes under the radar.
But the further you go in the series, the more you get to know him. He starts growing on you. You want to be mates with him. You follow him on Instagram to have a look what he was like before the show. He’s not gone one sponsored post. He posts down the pub the whole time. Yeah, top boy.
John is (purely for the purpose of this hypothetical piece) a Top Shagger™. His intro video looks like a softcore porn tape. He’s got tribal tattoos everywhere. He’s got that over the top swagger that you’re secretly very jealous of, no matter how many times you agree with your mates that he’s a ‘massive twat’.
He instigates spin the bottle on the first night, but insists none of the other lads are allowed to play. He says ‘graft’ a lot. If there was a diploma for The Art of the Graft then John would have passed with a distinction. He also drinks Strongbow Dark Fruit. Every Instagram post is accompanied with a Drake quote.
John’s vibe doesn’t go down well with the audience. He’s binned off in the first public vote. Does it matter? Does it f***. Provincial university club nights will forever talk about ‘John’s Summer’.
Every series needs a Jesse Lingard. He comes up with his own weird saying that takes off in England and is soon imprinted on vests which fly off the shelves of Topshop.
He makes the girls laugh. He hypes the boys up while they’re all doing their ironing before the nights out. He makes it his thing to bomb into the swimming pool whenever anyone gets a text.
Ultimately Jesse doesn’t find love in the villa. But he more than played his part in the series, and that’s all you can ask for at the end of the day. Plus, there’s always Celebrity Big Brother.
It was all going well for Jamie until he found out that his girl had kissed someone else during a task. He’s not a happy man. In fact he smashes up the Villa before doing a runner. No one sees or hears from him until he pops up in Malia as a Linekers promoter. Want the cheapest fish bowls in town? Head to see Jamie.
Everyone uses Eric’s clippers to cut their hair. That’s about all he contributes. Sorry, Eric.
He might be the top boy in his small satellite town but when it comes down to Love Island he’s eaten alive by Alpha Male gorillas.
Brings plenty of energy when it comes to the task of pursuing girls in the villa but ultimately lacks end product in the chat department. DID YOU CATCH THAT FOOTBALL GAG? TWO WORLDS COLLIDING. STICK THAT IN YOUR LOVE ISLAND FOOTBALL VAPE AND SMOKE IT.
You might not understand why Harry’s on the show. He’s not particularly ripped. His chat relies on comedy not charm. He’s a bit awkward. He doesn’t really tan that well. He’s the only one that actually goes in the pool regularly.
But that’s exactly why he is on the show. He’s the everyman. He’s what you or me would be like if we went in there. And that’s why he gets all the way to the final. Harry is in all of us. Harry is being. Harry is life.
(PLEASE NOTE: NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS REPRESENT THE PLAYER IN QUESTION IN ANY WAY)