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A player-by-player analysis of England’s end-of-year school photo

We've all been peanutted by a Harry Maguire before...

School photos live forever.

At the time, your floppy fringe and cross-eyed ‘funny’ face seems like a right laugh but when you’re an adult you look back at yourself and think ‘what a prat’.

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Here, we take a look at the England lads’ end-of-year photo and accurately summarise what kind of student they are…

“Say cheese!”

“Say cheese!”

DANNY WELBECK: Wrongly accused of being the ‘class clown’. An expert at gauging the atmosphere of a lesson and knowing when to have a laugh and when to keep your head down.

PHIL JONES: Let’s you copy off him which is all well and good until you realise he’s flirting with a U. It’s impossible not to laugh at his impression of your least favourite science teacher.

JORDAN PICKFORD: “Don’t forget to collect our homework, sir!”


DELE ALLI: All the boys want to be him and all the girls want to be with him. Makes a killing through his side hustle of selling sweets and Panda Pops. He only handles the cash though, Kieran Trippier holds the merchandise.

MARCUS RASHFORD: Too cool to smile. While your still playing Pokemon Yellow on the Game Boy, Rash is flirting with girls and using his brother’s ID to get acquainted with Holsten Pils. He gets better grades than you as well, that’s the real killer.

KYLE WALKER: Just wants to be Rashford and everybody knows it. Still considerably more popular than you.


FABIAN DELPH: Doodles all year then unleashes straight As at exam time.

JAMIE VARDY: The legend who took the hit for everyone and once pulled the fire alarm ten minutes into double maths. Stink bomb behind the radiator? Jamie. Penis on the whiteboard? Jamie. Comical ringtone in assembly? Oh yep, Jamie. Sprays Lynx Africa to cover up the smell of Marlboro Golds. Endears himself to everyone given enough time.


HARRY MAGUIRE: A serial peanutter. He loves the old ‘kneel down behind you and wait for someone to push you over him’ trick. You’ve never been the same since he gave you a double dead leg.

RUBEN LOFTUS-CHEEK: How’s he had three girlfriends already? Lost his virginity before you’d even bashed one out over the video for Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’.

JACK BUTLAND: Captain of the cricket team. Dosses off in French because he’s already fluent.


ERIC DIER: Why does every break time have to end in a play fight?

JOHN STONES: Head boy. Would be mocked for his Clarke Kent vibe if he wasn’t so damn likeable. Twice a year he gets you out of detention with a little word in the teacher’s ear — hero.

GARY CAHILL: A BTEC version of Stones. People sometimes confuse the two but this is easily resolved by asking ‘Wait, which is the good one?’.

NICK POPE: That one kid in every year who is weirdly good at a random sport. “Nick is away for the next two weeks. He’s competing in the junior high jump European championships in Slovenia.”


DANNY ROSE: Keeps his blazer on during the hottest day of the year. Seemingly had a full beard aged 13.

JESSE LINGARD: Never. Stops. Talking. Guaranteed a laugh if you sit next to him in class but wave goodbye to that respectable B. A good lad at heart.

RAHEEM STERLING: Nobody has a bad word to say about Raheem. Successfully mixes with different cliques. Nobody realises it at the time, but he’s the most likely to succeed in the big, wide world.


HARRY KANE: Firmly believes he’s ‘The Man’ but is regularly left off the invite list for parties. Tries to start nicknames for others (and himself) with little pick-up.

JORDAN HENDERSON: Takes his role as prefect WAY too seriously.


ASHLEY YOUNG: Crashed through puberty early doors. Don’t ask him if he’s been held back a year.

KIERAN TRIPPIER: Somehow gets away with wearing trainers.

TRENT ALEXANDER-ARNOLD: Claims he’s a ‘actor’ because he appeared as an extra in a Harry Potter film for two seconds. Constantly wondering when his pubes will come through.


Enjoy the summer, lads.

See you for the start of next term!

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