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Who would win the World Cup if it came down to nicknames fighting it out?

The Super Eagles would destroy The Cowmen. The Coffee Growers would be struck down by The Yellow Fever. But which World Cup side would be left standing at the end of it?

It’s Friday. Or at least it was when I started writing this.

With World Cup fever reaching ‘England might actually do alright this time’ levels, it’s time to answer the question on everyone’s lips.

If the World Cup came down to a fight to the death between nicknames, who would win? I’ve painstakingly worked it out. Buckle up, it’s going to get messy.


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Group A: Saudi Arabia (The Green Falcons), Egypt (The Pharaohs), Uruguay (The Sky Blue), Russia (The National Team)

Since Pharaohs haven’t been around since 30 BC, a time when not even 45-year-old Essam El Hadary was playing, Egypt crash out in the group stages.

Uruguay follow them home as The Sky Blue doesn’t mean anything.

The Green Falcons of Saudi Arabia top the group with The National Team of Russia cowering and looking to the skies but scraping through in second place.

Group B: Iran (Lions of Persia), Morocco (The Atlas Lions), Portugal (Team of Castles), Spain (The Red)

The once great Atlas Lions have been extinct since the 1960s so there’s no chance of an epic Battle at Kruger style scrap with the Lions of Persia.

With The Lions of Persia safely topping the group it comes down to the Team of Castles versus The Red.

Eleven castles go through by virtue of not being a colour.

Group C: Australia (Socceroos), Denmark (The Danish Dynamite), France (The Blues), Peru (The White-Red)

What the fuck is a Socceroo? Whatever it is, it’s getting blown to smithereens by The Danish Dynamite.

The Blues can get anyone, so France top the group, but the same can’t be said for The White-Red.

France first, Denmark second. We go again.

The Danish national team never looked so deadly

Getty - Contributor
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The Danish national team never looked so deadly

Group D: Argentina (The Cowmen), Croatia (The Blazers), Iceland (Our Boys), Nigeria (Super Eagles)

If you though Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus was something, just wait until you see the carnage the Super Eagles inflict on The Cowmen.

In the battle of the humans, The Blazers are too stoned to do anything meaning Our Boys- consisting of Iceland’s 23-man squad- head through in second place.

Don’t do drugs kids.

Any excuse to include a picture of Nigeria’s kit

Getty Images - Getty
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Any excuse to include a picture of Nigeria’s kit

Group E: Brazil (Little Canary), Costa Rica (The Champion Killers), Serbia (White Eagles), Switzerland (National Team)

The Champion Killers take care of five-time winners Brazil which saves the White Eagles ripping apart the Little Canary.

However Switzerland aren’t as lucky. Granit Xhaka aimlessly smashes Hollywood passes at the incoming White Eagles but it’s no use, Stephan Lichtsteiner and co are helpless.

Serves Switzerland right for having such an unimaginative nickname.

Don’t look directly into its eye

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Don’t look directly into its eye

Group F: Germany (The Team), Mexico (Green, Red, White), South Korea (Asian Tigers), Sweden (Blue and Yellows)

You can instantly rule out Mexico and Sweden because, France aside, colours aren’t going to harm anyone.

Germany probably don’t deserve to go through but they do, as long as The Team manage to stay out of the way of the Asian Tigers.

No one wants to see Thomas Muller mauled to death by a pack of tigers.

South Korea in action

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South Korea in action

Group G: Belgium (The Red Devils), England (The Three Lions), Tunisia (The Eagles of Carthage), Panama (The Canal Men)

There’s no such thing as the devil, so Belgium can take themselves home.

The Three Lions team up with The Eagles of Carthage to take out The Canal Men, meaning we’ve actually managed to make it out of the group for once.

It’s coming home.

Three Lions on the shirt

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Three Lions on the shirt

Group H: Colombia (The Coffee Growers), Japan (Samurai Blue), Poland (The Eagles), Senegal (The Lions of Teranga)

Samurai are deadly, no matter what colour or how many of them there are. They’d make short work of The Coffee Growers, that’s for certain.

Then it comes down to The Eagles versus The Lions of Teranga. Without knowing exactly how many of them there are I’m going to have to go with my gut.

Lions over eagles all day. ALL DAY LADS.

He’s wearing blue, you’ll have to take my word for it

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He’s wearing blue, you’ll have to take my word for it

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Round of 16

Here we go then. The knockout stages. Let battle commence.

The Green Falcons (Saudi Arabia) versus The Team of Castles (Portugal) would be a slog but, in the end, the falcons’ shit would wear the castles away. It wouldn’t be one for the neutrals.

Next up, The Lions of Persia (Iran) maul The National Team (Russia) to death to send the hosts home in pieces.

Our Boys (Iceland) are laid low by The Blues (France), while The Super Eagles (Nigeria) would cunningly wait in the sky for The Danish Dynamite (Denmark) to explode. See, they’re not all talons and beaks.

The Team (Germany) were just heading out for a nice stroll when The White Eagles (Serbia) descended. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

The Asian Tigers’ (South Korea) lack of championships makes them immune to The Champion Killers’ (Costa Rica) powers.

Look away now nature fans. The Lions of Teranga (Senegal) lost a few but came out on top against The Eagles of Carthage (Tunisia). Highlights can be found narrated by Sir David Attenborough.

The final round of 16 game is a devastating one for The Three Lions (England) who come a cropper against the blade of the Samurai Blue.

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Quarter-finals

Due to there being no known cases of falcons being depressed, Saudi Arabia knock France out and progress to the semi-finals.

The Green Falcons are joined by The Super Eagles who got revenge for all their fallen eagle brethren by picking apart the Lions of Persia.

But The Lions of Teranga instantly hit back by ripping apart The White Eagles. Nobody is safe.

The final semi-final spot is taken by another of the big cat family as the Samurai Blue are overwhelmed by the Asian Tigers.

Falcons and eagles versus lions and tigers. You couldn’t have scripted it.

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Semi-finals

The Lions of Teranga book a spot in the final by mercifully beating The Green Falcons in a strictly NSFW fixture.

But, as with the quarter-finals, the tit for tat bird versus cat war continues when The Super Eagles swoop down to overpower the Asian Tigers.

So the final comes down to an all-African Senegal v Nigeria affair.

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Final

Come on then. We’ve got this far together. We may as well make it a full house.

What happens when The Super Eagles come face to face with The Lions of Teranga?

Normally it’s a simple case of lion beats eagles. A story for the ages. But these eagles are super.

They soar down relentlessly until every last Lion of Teranga is either dead or in hiding.

What a way to win your first World Cup.

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