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These transfers will inevitably take place off the back of the 2018 World Cup

Arsenal will send a scout to watch Mateo Kovacic but end up signing a Nigerian midfielder

Something about major tournaments turn transfers into the footballing equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle.

A previously unheard of Panamanian fires his side out of the group stages, capturing the hearts and minds of the billions watching.

He joins a mid-table Premier League side off the back of the tournament only to score one goal in 16 starts and return to Panama in January.

But, rest assured, that won’t stop a host of teams splashing out on World Cup imports come the summer.

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‘You want me to go where?!’

‘You want me to go where?!’

Oghenekaro Etebo to sign for Arsenal

Ahh, what about life post-Arsene, hey? No more random signings. Strictly superstars.

Arsenal send their main scout to watch Mateo Kovacic before prising him away from Real Madrid. This is #NewArsenal and they’re not fucking around.

But Arsenal’s scout gets distracted when Kovacic takes on Nigeria. He sees a 22-year-old midfielder named Oghenekaro Etebo and he can’t take his eyes off him.

The Kovacic deal is called off on his recommendation.

Etebo arrives at Arsenal in a whirl of YouTube compilations, only to be thoroughly outplayed by Cardiff’s Aaron Gunnarsson on the opening day of the season.


Julian Brandt to sign for Bayern Munich

Even when you’ve just won the league by 21 points, you can never be too safe about the next season.

Bayern will watch Brandt tear up the World Cup and come to a sudden realisation.

A chance to sign a German wonderkid and weaken a potential rival in the process?

It must be done, even if he has to settle for a place on the bench alongside Serge Gnabry and Sandro Wagner.

‘Are you Bayern in disguise’

Copyright 2017 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
‘Are you Bayern in disguise’

[Insert World Cup top scorer here] to sign for Real Madrid

In 2014 it was James Rodriguez. In 2018 it will be… well, we don’t actually know yet.

But whoever finishes the tournament as top goalscorer will almost certainly be on their way to Madrid in the summer.

Karim Benzema is a fading force and Real are in danger of being out-Galactico’d by Barcelona if they don’t inject some more glamour soon.

If we had to stick our neck out we’d go for an infuriatingly average seven goals from Thomas Muller.


Gabriel Mercado to sign for Man United

There’s nothing Jose Mourinho loves more in life than Argentinian shithouse defenders. Well, aside from Scott McTominay.

He’ll have been gutted out on missing the chance to pair Marcos Rojo with Javier Mascherano, while it must kill him to see Nicolas Otamendi thrashing his way around the blue side of Manchester.

But there’s still hope.

Mourinho’s eyes will light up when he sees Mercado pick up a yellow card in the second minute of Argentina’s first group game.

He’ll barely be able to contain himself when he gets away with an off the ball punch five minutes later.

Whatever Sevilla demand, he’ll pay.

‘Who wants to scrap next?’

AP:Associated Press
‘Who wants to scrap next?’

Keita Balde to sign for Liverpool

Liverpool and Senegalese World Cup stars go back to the beginning of time- 2002, to be exact.

Back then it was El Hadji Diouf and Salif Diao who came, saw, but didn’t quite conquer.

This time it will be Monaco’s Balde.

Let’s hope he’s less of a firecracker than Diouf, otherwise we’ll need to bring umbrellas to every Premier League game.

Where’s your sleeves at?

Where’s your sleeves at?

Florian Thauvin to sign for PSG

PSG can’t resist the chance to sign a maverick winger despite the obvious warning signs.

Thauvin is that forbidden fruit.

The reborn Marseille winger is arguably the best player in Ligue 1 on current form.

But as soon as he signs for PSG he’ll got back to the 13 game, zero goals version of himself that Newcastle fans know all too well.

Hatem Ben Arfa MKII.

The very definition of mercurial

The very definition of mercurial

Ahmed Elmohamady and Karim Hafez to sign for West Brom

The year is 2019.

You find yourself walking around Cairo, Egypt, but not being able to get five yards without seeing a West Brom shirt.

What’s going on? Don’t worry, you’re not going mental.

The Baggies signed Elmo and Hafez to complete an all-Egyptian defence, thus unlocking a previously unknown cheat code.